sanity assassin

It's really not long now until I see Gary Numan. It's literally only next week! I'm so excited and anxious all at the same time. I still feel really unprepared but I'm not sure why. I've written down a bunch of stuff I want to get done by then. I still need to wait for my email from Townsend Records telling me when I need to be at the Wulfrun Hall, so I know when to book my train tickets. Hopefully it should be sometime this week or the next.

All customers will be contacted by email with details as soon as they are announced.

 I'm still really anxious though, thinking about it.

Crystal Castles last week... I just don't know how I feel. I got separated from some friends I met at the gig during Plague and spent the rest of it in the smoking area. I had the day off college the next day because I was so tired.
I haven't cut in like two weeks - maybe more, maybe less - which I suppose is good. I feel like I should be treating myself right now but I don't want to spend all my money in one go. I might go to an ATM later and take out some cash to pay for my nose piercing tomorrow. I really want to buy some new earrings. I lost one of my ear cuffs a couple of weeks ago and I need sterling silver studs to put in when I get home from college each day. My hair needs doing. I've let the shaved bits grow out too long, my roots need doing, my hair needs thinning out so it's easier to tease and I want to dye it purple. I have so much I need to do before next Thursday and not enough money.
I just stress out about everything all the time.

I still think meeting Steven Severin was one of my greatest achievments of the year.

This was on the 26th of February 2012. 9 months later I feel like I should have brought one of my Siouxsie and the Banshees records to get signed. This was also the height of my gothness.

Cultivating images and identities for myself over the past three or four years has been loads of fun. I'm really happy with who I am at the moment, if you leave out the autism and the depression and the general mental and psychological shittiness. Ever since I realised that I'm anything but female I've been a lot more comfortable expressing myself, and I hope that others can do the same regardless of gender identity. I've settled on a persona I'm finally comfortable with - I'm a fabulous gothy man! But honestly, next Thursday is all I'd rather talk about.

Next Thursday you're invited to watch Rising Tide's live coverage of a gala tribute in salute to Ronald Reagan. Host Haley Barbour joins special guest Lady Margaret Thatcher in celebrating the former President's 83rd birthday. Tickets are $1000 a plate, but you can see the event free on GOP TV!

How do I keep associating completely different things in my mind? I don't know. I just want to be all sorted for the 6th of December!!!!!

child i will hurt you

I haven't posted here in weeks. 2 weeks ago was a really good week and I just want it all back.
I'm seeing Crystal Castles this Thursday. Pretty much all I've been listening to is CCIII. Last week was fun as well. I met my friend Warlock from Australia in town last Wednesday and on Saturday I saw Adam Ant. He's amazing live. For some idiot reason I brought my Young Parisians single so I could get it signed and I waited outside during the encore. He didn't turn up, but I don't mind. I generally had fun.

I just can't be bothered to write today, so I'm doing a stream of consciousness thing.
The extended cut of the Petals video which I spoke about in my last entry is out today. It's supposed to be a bit more graphic than the other one. For some reason I just can't seem to bring myself to be able to sit down and watch it past the first 30 seconds, probably because I'm so protective of Gary... and I haven't even met him yet, which is a bit pathetic of me. I'd better shut up.
I have no money. I need to buy a packer. I need to buy a packer. I need to buy a packer. I'm so fucking lonely. I miss Alyce. I miss her. I miss her. I wish she was still here. I wish she was still here. I need to buy a fucking packer.
One of the learning support assistants at my college said I should draw something fab and give it to Gary when I meet him in two weeks. I'd like to, but I don't know if I can. I'm a nervous wreck as it is but when it comes to my art I'm just so unconfident about it and it kills me because I can't really make good art. Good art is bravery and confidence, it flows nicely, it has good anatomy, it is free. My art is completely the opposite. My art is not good art. Everything I do is bad.

Why have I started talking about Gary Numan on a first-name basis? What the fuck? Who am I? I just can't do this anymore.
I'm just rambling on and on, excuse me. I don't want this entry to be too short so I'm just talking crap.

I want to meet a nice girl at the Crystal Castles concert on Thursday who I can lie in the park with on winter nights listening to Child I Will Hurt You.
The weather is nice.

petals in the mirror

I've actually had a decent week for a change. Shock horror!
This week I actually bothered to get work done in college. I've started working on unit 4 again, which is communication through art and design - I've finished a moodboard on Tracey Emin which I started before the holidays, I've started and completed a comparison sheet on Jenny Holzer and Barbara Kruger and I started a design sheet for a Divine t-shirt I made, before I decided it was too much effort and wrote 'i Hate iT wwen Peeople gET old....' on a ceramic mug instead. My only incentive was money, really, and all the blood sweat and tears were worth it, for my mum gave me twenty quid which I have just spent.
Today I went into town with John, and I've just got back. I actually had a lot of fun, which is nice. First I bought a lipstick from Superdrug to replace one I've lost, then we went to Pigeon Park and talked about the band. I've been thinking I should give up my vocal duties and stick to playing bass and we should get a female singer in, which saves me putting Warhol Silkscreen on hold until I start testosterone. I feel like Nicky Wire! John is thinking of doing a trip round America soon - he's getting a grand or ten off his mum when he turns 18 next year. I wouldn't mind tagging along, because I've always wanted to go to New York. And I think I actually know what I'm going to do in terms of employment, now that I'm actually getting something out of my work skills sessions. I might be going to Kerrang Radio to get a feel of the environment and possibly getting work experience at South Birmingham Radio. Two other lines of employment I've been considering are working at the youth club in Weoley Castle where I did my year 11 work experience, and Starbucks, since I hear they have really good LGBT policies.

This week I watched the new video for Petals by The Officers, which is a charity single for the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) and features Gary Numan on vocals. And now I'm pretty much obsessed with it. I've included it in this post if you want to watch it.



I personally think that this is one of my contenders for the music video of the year, even though I haven't really seen many music videos from this year. But still, this video is just so brilliant - it was filmed in one take, the cinematography is beautiful and Gary looks amazing. I feel like I should tell him that when I meet him in December, though that would probably be a bit weird. This is just the censored version, so who knows what the full version will be like... I'm a bit anxious to see it now.

I've also been listening to This Mortal Coil, Linea Aspera, Nasty Facts, Crystal Castles, Grimes and SLEEP ∞ OVER. The new Crystal Castles album comes out on Monday - the release date was pushed forward by a week. It's been leaked already, though, but I don't want to listen to it because I'd rather the wait was worth it. It's almost like seeing your Christmas presents when you're not supposed to, in a way. I've been anticipating this album for months, and I'm really excited to listen to it. I'm seeing Crystal Castles in concert at the HMV Institute on the 22nd, so hopefully I might try and meet them and get my copy signed if I do. It probably won't be very easy, though, but then again I did meet the singer from Bo Ningen in the smoking area of the aforementioned venue, so you never know.

the holy bible

I'm in deep shit for shouting at some visitors that my college is a shithole on Wednesday. I've had to write a letter to the senior management, for christ's sake... I don't actually feel any remorse, and any remorse that I do feel is simply the result of others projecting their shame and embarrassment onto me.
I had yesterday off. I spent most of it sitting around, moping, cutting and generally beating myself up. I was supposed to go to parents evening that night, but because I had the day off because I came home with a sore throat, my mum said I didn't have to go. So I basically bothered to get dressed for nothing... I could've been seeing Bat For Lashes that night. This is going to be a really short entry because I've got nothing else to say and I hate everything, bye.

Lana Del Rey is doing a cocnert in Birmingham next year. The tickets go onsale on Monday. I'd buy them on the day but I've got no money.