On Saturday I bought a black dip hem skirt to wear on top of my ripped jeans and today I wire it out to the cinema. I might have walked home upset because I couldn't afford loose trousers for the summer but it was nice to feel the fabric of the skirt billowing behind me in the breeze. I felt magical despite the bad things! I have a problem where I go to town and spend a lot of money and then get scared to look at my bank account afterwards. I'm a shopaholic and it's not good for me because I'm not rich. I wish I was rich so I could go on my spending sprees and not get anxious, and also afford Rick Owens menswear and Givenchy and Maison Martin Margiela and everybody. You can say what you like about Givenchy under the direction of Riccardo Tisci, but I really liked the AW 13/14 collection because of the performance by Antony and the Johnsons. I want to see Antony and the Johnsons live one day.
I'm getting bored and restless all the time. The living room is being redecorated and everything has been moved into the conservatory and the granny flat. I was hoping the granny flat could be my safe space to make up for not being able to go into the shed outside the art room anymore. But it's all crowded so I spend most of my time in my room in my bed feeling safe.
I like a song called Lofticries by Purity Ring, even though I find the lyrics in the chorus to be a bit repetitive.
I need to buy a glue gun do I can make flower crowns for people. I've made one for Liv and I've made one for Gary Numan, and I've still got some headbands left over and some new flowers. Would anyone else want a flower crown? Should I make one for Gemma too? I want to be a fluffy kitten because fluffy kittens don't get frazzled minds.
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Monday, 15 July 2013
☁
When I was young - literally not long before I turned 12 years old - my whole life pretty much collapsed all around me. I've become so used to everyone turning against me and mocking and hurting me because I was different that I struggle with believing people have feelings for me that aren't negative feelings.
I've had my graphic design efforts praised by heavily made-up girls on Enterprise Week only for them to sneer at me and shout at me just for walking past them or trying to talk to them. I've been harassed by boys at school in ways that made me afraid and frightened of living in my own body because I felt that it did not belong to me. I've tried to find acceptance from people who listened to the same music as me at the time only for them to pretty much ignore me. There was a boy in my year 7 ICT class, and the very first thing he ever said to me was "Spiderman's for boys!". He'd later spend the rest of his time at school taunting me, possibly to compensate for his height. The only advantage I had over cis boys was that I hit puberty two years before they did. I don't know whether I still pride myself on that or not, because on one hand I feel more emotionally and intellectually mature than them, but on the other hand I hate the body it has given me. This body has invited comments like "Sexy [redacted!]" "I want to tie you down and make you show me your blue waffle!" even though I wore my school jumper as baggy as I possibly could, this body has made me denigrate and slut-shame teenage girls just because I felt alienated from them, this body has turned on me in ways that would make me weep if I still cried as easily as I did when I first started at my school - I was nervous and frightened so I cried almost daily - this body is the worst body that anyone could ever live in it's a scarred body it's a fat body it's a wobbly body it's not a cis male body it's not my body.
I never did think I was special for going out and partying and shopping and socialising with friends or all those things. If anything I felt a little left out. Everyone in my year was having the time of their lives to the best of their abilities in this shitty socio-political landscape, whereas I was stuck in the curriculum support unit, stuck at home, stuck in my body, stuck in Birmingham, England, Europe, Planet Earth. I covered it up with internalised misogyny and lots of other bad ways of thinking. I tried to be a strong kid but I was too young to try to be strong.
I wish I'd rebelled against my body earlier by cutting off my hair, learning how to do makeup properly earlier, thrown out the baggy band tees and hoodies, become a completely different person to who I was back then. I've grown up too fast but at the same time I've taken too long to grow into myself.
Everything's all very confusing and everything and I haven't said enough. Everyone was horrible and it made me turn horrible. I need to hug Hello Kitty.
Or a cigarette.
I've had my graphic design efforts praised by heavily made-up girls on Enterprise Week only for them to sneer at me and shout at me just for walking past them or trying to talk to them. I've been harassed by boys at school in ways that made me afraid and frightened of living in my own body because I felt that it did not belong to me. I've tried to find acceptance from people who listened to the same music as me at the time only for them to pretty much ignore me. There was a boy in my year 7 ICT class, and the very first thing he ever said to me was "Spiderman's for boys!". He'd later spend the rest of his time at school taunting me, possibly to compensate for his height. The only advantage I had over cis boys was that I hit puberty two years before they did. I don't know whether I still pride myself on that or not, because on one hand I feel more emotionally and intellectually mature than them, but on the other hand I hate the body it has given me. This body has invited comments like "Sexy [redacted!]" "I want to tie you down and make you show me your blue waffle!" even though I wore my school jumper as baggy as I possibly could, this body has made me denigrate and slut-shame teenage girls just because I felt alienated from them, this body has turned on me in ways that would make me weep if I still cried as easily as I did when I first started at my school - I was nervous and frightened so I cried almost daily - this body is the worst body that anyone could ever live in it's a scarred body it's a fat body it's a wobbly body it's not a cis male body it's not my body.
I never did think I was special for going out and partying and shopping and socialising with friends or all those things. If anything I felt a little left out. Everyone in my year was having the time of their lives to the best of their abilities in this shitty socio-political landscape, whereas I was stuck in the curriculum support unit, stuck at home, stuck in my body, stuck in Birmingham, England, Europe, Planet Earth. I covered it up with internalised misogyny and lots of other bad ways of thinking. I tried to be a strong kid but I was too young to try to be strong.
I wish I'd rebelled against my body earlier by cutting off my hair, learning how to do makeup properly earlier, thrown out the baggy band tees and hoodies, become a completely different person to who I was back then. I've grown up too fast but at the same time I've taken too long to grow into myself.
Everything's all very confusing and everything and I haven't said enough. Everyone was horrible and it made me turn horrible. I need to hug Hello Kitty.
Or a cigarette.
Saturday, 13 July 2013
cities in dust
Hello, I'm feeling very good about things recently! Between the post before my last one and today a lot has been happening. My most recent musical purchases have been Yeezus by Kanye West (which is really really good! I'd even go on to say that it's one of the most important albums to come out this year), Jagged by Gary Numan, The Crossing by Big Country and the very first Echo and the Bunnymen single, The Pictures On My Wall. The last two were vinyl purchases from a charity shop in Northfield while I was looking for clothes to put together into a suit.
Last week was my very last day of being a college student. It still all hasn't really caught up with me yet, but in the days leading up to last Friday I didn't see anyone who wasn't crying. I also told one of my closest friends that I like-like her (well, I typed it up and got a LSA to give it to her for me because I was so nervy) and when I was walking home she texted me to say she felt the same way! This is a very new development which feels alien but also very warm and fluffy. It's only been a week since I finished college but I haven't really done anything social with people in my age group yet. But I did go to Zombie Club last week and met one person who was closer to my age, does that count? I don't know. I might be going to see The World's End with my best friend since primary school sometime next week if she's still up for it.
At the cinemas I have been to see Despicable Me 2, which was a lot of fun. I am considering seeing Behind the Candelabra, This Is The End, Monsters University and Pacific Rim, as well as The World's End which I just mentioned earlier. I find the Odeon in town much easier to get to than the Empire in Rubery, but tickets are cheaper at the Empire. Why does everything have to be so weird and mixey-uppey? I'm not even sure that mixey-uppey is the right word. I bought Manic Street Preachers tickets the other day! I'm really happy that I'm finally going to see one of my favourite bands after waiting for two years to see them live. I did meet the members at a HMV signing once, but I only had 10 seconds to really do anything. The concert is at the Ritz in Manchester on the 27th of September, and I'm sharing a hotel with my mum and going to the concert on my own. I just hope they don't do a Roger Waters and suddenly announce a Birmingham date, seeing as the Manchester date is a lot more convenient for me! I wonder if Nicky Wire still has the bracelet I gave him.
Meow, meow. I like to feel warm and happy and safe, but not in the summer because the summer is too hot and nasty and sweaty. I have a money plant to look after, I water it every Monday and stroke its leaves and just a few hours ago I played Antony and the Johnsons to it. I haven't got a name for it yet, though. Every time I remember just how good Antony and the Johnsons are I'm in a good mood for ever.
On the 30th of June I went to the Electric Cinema for another Music for Silents thing by Steven Severin! Last time I went which was on the 5th of May he played the version of The Cabinet of Dr Caligari + his musical score that was usually played at clubs and things, so this time we saw the whole film. I enjoyed it a lot. Later I had my fag break next to Steven Severin and talked to him about if he's got anything coming up next in the way of Music for Silents projects and how much of a fucking rotter Charles Saatchi is.
Speaking of fucking rotters, the boy from my school who beat up my friends is still a massive tool. He constantly begs for likes on Facebook (like my profile pic + ill like urs back!!! pls look at my zitty face) and someone posted on his wall noticing that he begs for likes, so he said "maybe I should fix up", but then the next day he's still doing the usual begging for likes shit, only this time he calls it 'making a deal'!!! What the fuck is that noise?? I think he's blocked me for noticing how much of a massive tool he is, not to mention a gross hypocrite who posts statuses about how if he saw a man hitting a girl he'd rip his tiny 'bollacks' off even though I know he's beaten up two of my friends. He's got 'Facebook' as his employment status on Facebook???? No, you're not a vlogger, you're just a tool with a webcam and a shitty yellow fringe and even shittier opinions.
At least I have nice things to look forward to like the David Bowie exhibition and the Manic Street Preachers and Les Misérables and Gary Numan and Placebo and all the other things! This makes me very happy for the future. I feel cute.
Last week was my very last day of being a college student. It still all hasn't really caught up with me yet, but in the days leading up to last Friday I didn't see anyone who wasn't crying. I also told one of my closest friends that I like-like her (well, I typed it up and got a LSA to give it to her for me because I was so nervy) and when I was walking home she texted me to say she felt the same way! This is a very new development which feels alien but also very warm and fluffy. It's only been a week since I finished college but I haven't really done anything social with people in my age group yet. But I did go to Zombie Club last week and met one person who was closer to my age, does that count? I don't know. I might be going to see The World's End with my best friend since primary school sometime next week if she's still up for it.
At the cinemas I have been to see Despicable Me 2, which was a lot of fun. I am considering seeing Behind the Candelabra, This Is The End, Monsters University and Pacific Rim, as well as The World's End which I just mentioned earlier. I find the Odeon in town much easier to get to than the Empire in Rubery, but tickets are cheaper at the Empire. Why does everything have to be so weird and mixey-uppey? I'm not even sure that mixey-uppey is the right word. I bought Manic Street Preachers tickets the other day! I'm really happy that I'm finally going to see one of my favourite bands after waiting for two years to see them live. I did meet the members at a HMV signing once, but I only had 10 seconds to really do anything. The concert is at the Ritz in Manchester on the 27th of September, and I'm sharing a hotel with my mum and going to the concert on my own. I just hope they don't do a Roger Waters and suddenly announce a Birmingham date, seeing as the Manchester date is a lot more convenient for me! I wonder if Nicky Wire still has the bracelet I gave him.
Meow, meow. I like to feel warm and happy and safe, but not in the summer because the summer is too hot and nasty and sweaty. I have a money plant to look after, I water it every Monday and stroke its leaves and just a few hours ago I played Antony and the Johnsons to it. I haven't got a name for it yet, though. Every time I remember just how good Antony and the Johnsons are I'm in a good mood for ever.
On the 30th of June I went to the Electric Cinema for another Music for Silents thing by Steven Severin! Last time I went which was on the 5th of May he played the version of The Cabinet of Dr Caligari + his musical score that was usually played at clubs and things, so this time we saw the whole film. I enjoyed it a lot. Later I had my fag break next to Steven Severin and talked to him about if he's got anything coming up next in the way of Music for Silents projects and how much of a fucking rotter Charles Saatchi is.
Speaking of fucking rotters, the boy from my school who beat up my friends is still a massive tool. He constantly begs for likes on Facebook (like my profile pic + ill like urs back!!! pls look at my zitty face) and someone posted on his wall noticing that he begs for likes, so he said "maybe I should fix up", but then the next day he's still doing the usual begging for likes shit, only this time he calls it 'making a deal'!!! What the fuck is that noise?? I think he's blocked me for noticing how much of a massive tool he is, not to mention a gross hypocrite who posts statuses about how if he saw a man hitting a girl he'd rip his tiny 'bollacks' off even though I know he's beaten up two of my friends. He's got 'Facebook' as his employment status on Facebook???? No, you're not a vlogger, you're just a tool with a webcam and a shitty yellow fringe and even shittier opinions.
At least I have nice things to look forward to like the David Bowie exhibition and the Manic Street Preachers and Les Misérables and Gary Numan and Placebo and all the other things! This makes me very happy for the future. I feel cute.
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