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When I was young - literally not long before I turned 12 years old - my whole life pretty much collapsed all around me. I've become so used to everyone turning against me and mocking and hurting me because I was different that I struggle with believing people have feelings for me that aren't negative feelings.
I've had my graphic design efforts praised by heavily made-up girls on Enterprise Week only for them to sneer at me and shout at me just for walking past them or trying to talk to them. I've been harassed by boys at school in ways that made me afraid and frightened of living in my own body because I felt that it did not belong to me. I've tried to find acceptance from people who listened to the same music as me at the time only for them to pretty much ignore me. There was a boy in my year 7 ICT class, and the very first thing he ever said to me was "Spiderman's for boys!". He'd later spend the rest of his time at school taunting me, possibly to compensate for his height. The only advantage I had over cis boys was that I hit puberty two years before they did. I don't know whether I still pride myself on that or not, because on one hand I feel more emotionally and intellectually mature than them, but on the other hand I hate the body it has given me. This body has invited comments like "Sexy [redacted!]" "I want to tie you down and make you show me your blue waffle!" even though I wore my school jumper as baggy as I possibly could, this body has made me denigrate and slut-shame teenage girls just because I felt alienated from them, this body has turned on me in ways that would make me weep if I still cried as easily as I did when I first started at my school - I was nervous and frightened so I cried almost daily - this body is the worst body that anyone could ever live in it's a scarred body it's a fat body it's a wobbly body it's not a cis male body it's not my body.
I never did think I was special for going out and partying and shopping and socialising with friends or all those things. If anything I felt a little left out. Everyone in my year was having the time of their lives to the best of their abilities in this shitty socio-political landscape, whereas I was stuck in the curriculum support unit, stuck at home, stuck in my body, stuck in Birmingham, England, Europe, Planet Earth. I covered it up with internalised misogyny and lots of other bad ways of thinking. I tried to be a strong kid but I was too young to try to be strong.
I wish I'd rebelled against my body earlier by cutting off my hair, learning how to do makeup properly earlier, thrown out the baggy band tees and hoodies, become a completely different person to who I was back then. I've grown up too fast but at the same time I've taken too long to grow into myself.

Everything's all very confusing and everything and I haven't said enough. Everyone was horrible and it made me turn horrible. I need to hug Hello Kitty.
Or a cigarette.