the lake

It's really scary being me. I have to walk on eggshells in life so that I won't see things that make my heart drop and sink, I always worry about upsetting and disappointing those closest to me, I never speak up about issues that are important to me anymore because people will try to shut me down and tell me I NEED HELP because I'm not racist what a freak and they belittle me because I'm young and I'm not cis or straight and all those things, I feel emotionally distant from those who love and support and care for me, I rely on my funny music taste to keep me alive, I always feel scared of bad days or bad points in otherwise good days in case tiny things make me collapse and break into bits and cut my arms up, I even get scared to leave the house sometimes because I'm a very small person wandering alone in a big bad world, even though I don't like staying in the house in my pyjamas for days on end, I resort to retail therapy to fill empty spaces in my life, I feel like a constant inconvenience to everybody around me and that people feel obliged to put up with me, I don't have a dad to turn to when my mum is busy or not around, I was born with something wrong in my brain which means I find it hard to understand people and myself and the world around me, I feel dependent on my single parent for emotional and financial and any kind of support and I can't leave because I wouldn't get hugs every day or have someone to gently take hold of my hands when they don't feel safe, I get scared I'm going to have a massive breakdown like Richey Edwards and have to go to the hospital and then get out only to find I'm not better and then disappear somehow, I feel uncomfortable in my own body because it is not a body that suits me, I'm scared of myself I hate being myself I don't want to be myself.

But I don't want to die.

If I died, people would finally be free to say all sorts of horrible things about me. They would confirm the fears I have had about myself all along, they would say what they've always wanted to say for weeks, months, even years maybe. They'd refer to me with female pronouns and say all the sorts of things that those people on the IMOC said about me last time I was there. But my family would be even more broken, my leaving wouldn't fix the gap left by my father.
I'm scared and broken and constantly coming apart at the seams and I don't want to break into little bits. I want to be fixed and I want to feel whole and secure.