dolls polyphony

So today I found out that The Cure will be playing a Teenage Cancer Trust concert at the Royal Albert Hall in March, and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. I don't know how to feel, because I spoke to my mum about it and also mentioned that I had been looking at Beyoncé tickets earlier today and she basically said it's got to be one or the other. I can understand it because there's no way anyone in this family can afford both, but it does make me feel sad and incapable of making a fully informed decision without possibly regretting it. Oh, I wish I was a cat! :(
In slightly better news, I went to see Depeche Mode at the LG Arena on Monday and they were really great! I got to the venue and back on my own without panicking, bought myself some Cadbury's Buttons to eat while watching the support act, saved my last cigarette until the next day and got home nice and early! They played some of my favourite songs and some I didn't know. I went without any big expectations and had lots of fun! I did a lot of sleeping the morning after and went to town later in the afternoon to buy eyeliner and cigarettes. Since this week has began I have went out of my way not to spend too much money. Today I only had a hot chocolate from Costa and bought a small ear cuff from Claire's, and yesterday I paid for my eyeliners and things with a £5 and my debit card.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for the rest of the week. My key worker at Aspire assures me I am doing well and making progress with my wellbeing, and at Aspire I really do feel like that's the case. But at home I don't feel quite as valued. Maybe it's because my mum is busy a lot? I don't know. But I wish I could be human all the time, not just at Aspire.

Maybe I need to arrange to see a friend some time. I haven't done that since July. I think it was July. Anyway, it's been far too long. That's an example of isolation in its most extreme form. I just wish I knew who to ask..... I'm worried that if I ask someone if they want to go into town, they will say they're busy and then never get back to me or just straight up say no or that they don't want anything to do with me.

My key worker suggested I keep a journal in which I write down good things that happen each day every day. I think it's a very good idea and I already bought myself one on Saturday, but the problem is that by the time I get home the whole day has just disappeared from my recollection in tiny fragments. So I can't always remember what happened on a certain day that was particularly good.
I've also been trying to draw on a regular basis again. Sometimes I forget but that's ok, because I'm pleased with what I've made so far!



Look at this cat sleeping on Totoro! I want that big Totoro to cuddle with. But a small or medium sized Totoro will do fine for now.

in our angelhood

It's come to my attention that I have barely been posting on here - the last time I made an entry was Christmas Eve. I've had plenty to talk about but no opportunities to put them into a blog entry. I don't think I'm going to bother talking about everything that's happened since Christmas though. I just don't feel like it.

But I will say that yesterday I had my second Aspire appointment of the year: I'm having one to one sessions with my key worker instead of group sessions like I did in November and December, and already I think the one to ones are a lot better for me. My key worker helped me identify a barrier that is stopping me from trying new things, and that barrier contains individual aspects that affect me in different ways like self esteem, anxiety, depression, compare and despair, negative experiences of social situations (bullying) gender… those sorts of things. Compare and despair is a thing I do where I compare myself to people who I feel are getting further in life than me, then look at myself and feel much more inferior than I already did. In yesterday's meeting I felt happy and could almost see a future in sight for me, or at least a tiny glimmer of hope, but that feeling never seems to last for long. When I get home I don't receive the same level of support as I do at Aspire, and it makes me feel stuck. I feel like a dead weight who either does the same thing every week and spends too much money or never leaves the house.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to feel weak and fragile and like I'm bleeding out every single day to the extent where I literally have to drag myself home from town to recuperate, I want to feel like a normal person. I want to feel human.

Where's Gary? I need to talk to him.

I wish I was a kitten. I'd never have to worry about the things I already worry about ever again. Or I just want to be aged backwards. All that would matter to me is cuddles from my mum. But really, I still feel like that's the case. I'm nearly 20 years old and I don't want to be, because I'm getting closer to feeling like I'm going to die. My life is full of confusing deadlines and appointments and I just want it to stop. Where's the pause button? Where do I go when everything's paused? Where's Gary?

Please help