in our angelhood

It's come to my attention that I have barely been posting on here - the last time I made an entry was Christmas Eve. I've had plenty to talk about but no opportunities to put them into a blog entry. I don't think I'm going to bother talking about everything that's happened since Christmas though. I just don't feel like it.

But I will say that yesterday I had my second Aspire appointment of the year: I'm having one to one sessions with my key worker instead of group sessions like I did in November and December, and already I think the one to ones are a lot better for me. My key worker helped me identify a barrier that is stopping me from trying new things, and that barrier contains individual aspects that affect me in different ways like self esteem, anxiety, depression, compare and despair, negative experiences of social situations (bullying) gender… those sorts of things. Compare and despair is a thing I do where I compare myself to people who I feel are getting further in life than me, then look at myself and feel much more inferior than I already did. In yesterday's meeting I felt happy and could almost see a future in sight for me, or at least a tiny glimmer of hope, but that feeling never seems to last for long. When I get home I don't receive the same level of support as I do at Aspire, and it makes me feel stuck. I feel like a dead weight who either does the same thing every week and spends too much money or never leaves the house.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to feel weak and fragile and like I'm bleeding out every single day to the extent where I literally have to drag myself home from town to recuperate, I want to feel like a normal person. I want to feel human.

Where's Gary? I need to talk to him.

I wish I was a kitten. I'd never have to worry about the things I already worry about ever again. Or I just want to be aged backwards. All that would matter to me is cuddles from my mum. But really, I still feel like that's the case. I'm nearly 20 years old and I don't want to be, because I'm getting closer to feeling like I'm going to die. My life is full of confusing deadlines and appointments and I just want it to stop. Where's the pause button? Where do I go when everything's paused? Where's Gary?

Please help