nightvision [TW for misgendering]

Hahaha, wow. I almost totally forgot about this blog. Anyway, I tried to get Cure tickets but slept in too late, missed them, had a breakdown and banged my wrist on my metal bedframe. It bruised really big for days. But in the end I managed to get one off StubHub. I still feel really silly and sad that I nearly missed out. I'm not a good Cure fan.

Um, I don't really know what to write here. I also got Beyoncé tickets, which I'm very happy about. 7 more days until I get to see her! Zombie Club was fun and so was Only After Dark. My hair has been up for three days. I feel like my existence is separated from the world around me most of the time. I'm still drawing, of course, but only tiny things in small increments. Like these:






I always go to Cadbury World or the Costa in the Bullring to do my drawings. I'm not sure why, I suppose I work better there but I still do feel like I'm under constant scrutiny.
Speaking of constant scrutiny, there's Fitness February sessions happening at Aspire which I don't like. The last one I went to it started off with only me and two other boys there, though more people did show up eventually, and I felt really weird but not good weird. I felt like everyone was judging me and the way I look - not my expression but the way I'm made. Running around with skinny jeans and a t-shirt on was awkward and uncomfortable for me. I felt like these two random boys I'd never met before were judging my body, especially because I'm still read as female far too often in social situations, and I kinda wanted to die. Fuck Fitness February.

But it's not like it isn't my fault that I don't ever pass as male. There is literally nothing I can do with my face until I'm on HRT, and I don't even know when that's going to be, and people have been giving me so much grief for it.




Nobody's ever gonna take me seriously as a man. Aspire is literally the only place outside the internet where I don't get misgendered. I supppose for that I'm thankful. But really, I'm frightened of worse things that could happen, like being beaten up for being visibly trans. I don't even know what 'visibly trans' means, because I'm always assumed to be female anyway no matter what. God, I don't know, I just wanna listen to Daft Punk.

Someone also submitted my own personal information to my blog the other day and it was absolutely terrifying. They probably meant for me to post it. I'm so so so frightened. It feels like everyone is out to get me and I don't know what I did wrong.

Right now I feel really lost and confused and aimless. The concept of mortality is frightening to me. I'm literally so frightened of everything, I'm six years old. God, I don't know. I'm rambling on. What should I talk about?