milkwater [SELF HARM MENTION TW]

I'm going to see The Cure in 3 days and I'm very excited but also very anxious at the same time. My birthday was good and I joined a band. That's all I've got to report.

I float in and out of disinterest. Here are some pictures of me right now



I'm not human, I don't think. I'm rainwater, vomit, a mattress stained with piss and tears. I wish there was a girl and we could tie locks of our hair together, then I wouldn't feel so unlike myself. Right now I'm milkwater, pale and muted
sometimes I wish I had more cuts and was in the hospital
Wow, I remember one time my mum said 'if you cut any deeper the you'll have to go to the hospital' and I kinda wish I did have to go. God. I came down here to get cereal and started writing crap.

contact

I had to remake my Tumblr the other week. The anon I mentioned two posts ago simply wouldn't leave me alone and they turned out to also be the person who submitted my own personal information to me. Then they kept sending me inappropriate and triggering messages and pictures and it's all just too much and I wish I was dead. I want to die. I just want to die. I remade but they found me again. I can't win. I can't fucking win.

Here's some songs by Daft Punk











It's been 5 days since I went to see Beyoncé. She's amazing live and I miss her a lot already! Next time she comes to Birmingham I want to get there early enough to get a space by the runway thing so I can at least be a little bit closer to her. I bought a t-shirt for £25 and I love it a lot. The Cure next! Less than three weeks! I'm nervous.

My key worker at Aspire says I'm definitely making progress with my self esteem and that it's really great that I'm making an effort to get out of the house on a regular basis. I think that's mostly due to my achievement diary, it's always good to have something to write in there, even if it's just little things. But really, it's the little things that make it all worthwhile. My mum and my key worker were really proud of me for not panicking and getting myself home when I caught the wrong bus once, and it made me feel a bit silly but also very special and significant. I don't think I would have kept it together if this happened 2 or 3 years ago or even a few months ago.
I'm proud of myself too.

I went to Cadbury World today and sat down to draw. Even with the sound of screaming babies in my ear it was still very relaxing because I was listening to Slowdive. I feel like I need to go shopping to distract myself from bad things in my head but I'm supposed to be saving money. I don't know what for.