silkspun

God, I guess this is just one of those times when I revisit old shit to humble myself, isn’t it? It’s been another three stupid years since I last wrote anything for this blog, and if I’m honest, I don’t really see myself reliably updating as often as I’d like. In fact, I only recently just remembered it even exists, along with another stupid blog I set up ten years ago when I was 16 and I’d just gotten into trouble at school and at home for writing gay fanfiction about Pink Floyd and accidentally letting it get passed around a classroom, oh my god! It was private at the time, and I promised myself I’d make it public when I was 18, but then in October 2010 I got into The Cure and I just kinda.... forgot about it. But at some point I did make it public eventually, which was probably a huge mistake because I’m looking at it now and my god, I really was a bastard, wasn’t I? I was a bit of a proponent of non-/dub-con (which really are just polite terms for rape) in fanfiction, and it took me many months and connecting with a more progressive online social circle to realise that sexual assault isn’t something to be romanticised or trivialised. Thank fuck for that honestly.

I’m thinking, actually, about the sheer closeted trans guy energies my speech patterns and mannerisms at the time give off, if there even are any or I’m just reading into shit way too much as usual. Sometimes I just want to travel backwards in time, look 16-year-old me in the eye, and tell him “Bro, the reason you’re so preoccupied with these prog rock dudes fucking each other is because you’re living vicariously through your own shitty writing; you’re secretly a dude who wants to fuck dudes… in the butt.” and see how he reacts. That would actually be so funny though

Too bad I can’t go out and fuck another man right now because there’s a deadly pandemic ravaging the entire planet and almost every government except for New Zealand is handling it terribly. A relationship in general would just be really nice right now. I’m honestly not even picky about which gender anymore because I’m attracted to multiple genders anyway lmao

Anyway I got top surgery last year and that was great

cupid's in our reprobate arms, and he's deceiving

Wow, uh... long time no see, I guess. I'll admit I've fallen out of the habit of posting on here regularly - by which I mean I've only made like three posts in the past three years compared to like the 45+ or so that I made in 2012 and 2013. I was in a really bad place mentally at the time, and I guess I'd try and pretend I was smaller and younger as a coping mechanism. That worked fucking splendidly, obviously.

It's 1:47am on Boxing Day right this minute, and as of 9 days ago I've reached the 2-years-on-T mark. That's really weird actually; I never thought I'd make it alive to even see a day like this. I'm getting better mental health-wise, thanks to a really great counsellor who I started seeing in September this year. Forward Thinking Birmingham is shitty as hell, but at least I got referred to Pattigift Therapy instead of some crappy place where a smug wanker in a suit tries to wring out as much trauma out of me as possible and sends me back out into the world feeling much more fragile than I did an hour earlier. I might still be stuck on the travelator for now, but at least I know there is a way to get off of it, which I'll do when I'm ready.

So I've done some travelling to see Gary Numan in concert a bunch of times. He released his 22nd studio album Savage (Songs from a Broken World) this year, and it got to number 2 in the UK album charts, which is his highest chart position in over 35 years! ;w; Of course, I'm not about measuring the credibility of an artist by how well they do in the charts or how popular they are etc etc., but it's just really nice to think that people are finally seeing Gary as the talented, hard-working artist that he is instead of just The Cars Guy™. I mean yeah, there's a lot to unpack about the concept of the album - global warming turns the entire planet into a desert wasteland, Eastern and Western cultures merging purely out of survival - especially with the typeface and all, and of course I was really wary about it from the start, but overall out of every musician from the 80's new wave and post-punk era that's done problematic shit, Gary seems to be the one who's learned the most from his past mistakes in a meaningful way, and I really think that he's taking notes on how to do better image-wise next time.

But still, it feels like everybody stopped caring after the first week or so of the album being so high in the charts :( It's been out for three months and I've still spoken to people much older than myself who had no idea he's still actively recording and touring, let alone that his new album came out in September. I mean, the PledgeMusic approach alone should be enough for music journos to be talking about it in their end-of-year lists! But yeah, I want to talk about my experiences seeing him live and meeting him all over the country so many times. I went to Bristol and Liverpool all on my own on two separate occasions for the first time ever! I doubt I would ever have been able to do that even two or three years ago. I also did one of the VIP rehearsal days where I got to watch Gary rehearsing with his band, and even went up to London again for the album signing at HMV Oxford Street! I think my most favourite bit was being at the M&G before his show at the Leamington Assembly four days after the rehearsal, and he must have remembered me from that day because he greeted me with "hello again!" and it made me feel so special and validated!!! Sometimes I wonder which name he knows me by, because I've introduced myself to him as both Alexander and Daniel. I know his wife Gemma knows who I am, though, because when I was at the HMV signing I spoke to her and she told me she was checking my Twitter to see if I was coming along and she asked me how I was because apparently I was dealing with some abusive wankers on there. Well, I mean, I don't remember anything like that because I don't tweet as often as I should, but it was generally a really special moment ;w;

I'm not gonna elaborate too much on the stage outfit Gary wore on the UK/Europe Savage tour, but I will say that Jesus fucking H Christ, I am ridiculously attracted to this man who is nearly sixty.

I've also been listening to a bunch of new bands and artists lately. This year I've discovered All About Eve, Lycia, clipping., Eagulls, Teengirl Fantasy, Oppenheimer Analysis, Pharmakon, Danny Brown, Pale Dīan, and some other bungus that I can't really remember at the moment. I also expanded my knowledge on Zola Jesus, This Mortal Coil, Double Echo, Nine Inch Nails/How To Destroy Angels, Chromatics, HIM, Cold Cave, Veil of Light, Killing Joke, and Kontravoid. I think that's everything??? I'm not quite sure though.

My top 5 albums of the year, in no particular order from 3 onwards:

1. Gary Numan - Savage (Songs from a Broken World)
2. Zola Jesus - Okovi
3. Slowdive - Slowdive
4. Arca - Arca
5. Desperate Journalist - Grow Up

I really can't think of much else to write, and I'm feeling really sleepy anyway so I guess I'd better shut my laptop off and go to sleep. But I will say that my mum has offered to let me move into the flat she lets out when I'm ready, and I spend every minute thinking of how I'm gonna decorate it. ♡

I'M DYING SQUIRTLE

Ok you know what? I just got back from seeing Android in La La Land, and I was going to type up a concise and accurate and well-thought out review and everything, but all I can think of right now is that shirtless Gary Numan scene in the first fifteen minutes or so of the film so I'm going to leave you all with this:



I'll probably do a proper write-up on my second viewing lmao

melancholy man

So it's just occurred to me it's been about two years since I last made a post on this blog. In the time that's passed since then I've been kicked out of the Acid Ballet, found and lost friends, started HRT(!!!!), seen The Cure one more time and Gary Numan twice more (and met him again!), lost and gained cats, suffered a few nervous breakdowns, gotten into Star Wars, and completely changed my hairstyle. It's been a very long and bumpy ride to get to the point where I can look in the mirror without completely despising the way I look and the person I am in general, but I'm happy to know that I can get to that point at all.

It also turns out I'm going to this:



I admit I had to go into my savings to be able to afford it. I'd been agonising over it for days, so I figured I might as well bite the bullet and get a ticket because I'd regret it if I didn't, right? I've even planned an outfit and everything.

geggy boat outfit brainstorm eeekk by whinygothbaby featuring river island boots

I've decided on a jacket since then, though! I already have the shorts and hat and the bodysuit - I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about the boots, because I tried them on in the shop and they turned out to be too narrow for my feet. And also it never really occurred to me how hard it actually is to find a good red liquid to matte lipstick (it has to be cruelty free, affordable, available in the UK and not made by a shitty racist company) until I actually started searching!
I'm anxious about the whole thing, really. Who knows if I'm gonna survive the journey up to London or not? I mean, where would I do my makeup so it still looks good by the time I get there? Forgive me if I sound vain, but if someone takes pictures and I happen to be in them, I'd rather be thinking about what a great time I had at the Gary Numan tour afterparty instead of how ugly and greasy and blobby I was. Since starting HRT back in December I've had facial hair growing too, but only in the form of a shitty teenage moustache, and holy fuck I wish that wasn't the most that'll grow right now. Jesus.

And of course I've had the usual worries about being able to have a job or a car or a place of my own, but I'd rather not get into that. I'm just gonna post some pictures of Gary Numan that I think are really good



A couple of nights ago I had a dream which included the phrase "Gary Numan is a bisexual conspiracy". Yeah, I have no idea what that means either.

pearly dewdrops' drops

I know I haven't posted here in a while and I sincerely apologise, but I've just found a reason to make a cool new blog post!
Since my last post I've been to see The Cure at the Royal Albert Hall for a Teenage Cancer Trust concert, and I'm so glad I went in the end. It was AMAZING!!! The first part of the day before actually getting to London was a bit fraught and anxiety-ridden, but I calmed down on the train ride there. I charged my phone and watched the 'Shrek is love, Shrek is life' video one of my bandmates showed me, then got a taxi from Euston Station to the Royal Albert Hall, and the taxi man dropped my mum off at the hotel we were staying at.

First there was a film directed by Shane Dawson about two teenagers living with cancer, and then Roger Daltrey - he of The Who fame - came onstage with some other people to talk about how far Teenage Cancer Trust has come since it was first founded. After a while The Cure came on and played Plainsong, and I was basically in tears because I was alive to hear one of my most absolutely favourite songs being played live. Everyone looked and sounded amazing! I was in tears again when they played Disintegration because all my emotions were basically happening at once and by the time the song was over I was collapsed in a sobbing heap on the floor but in the best way possible. Near the end everyone surged to the front and that was as close as I've ever gotten to my most favourite band in the entire universe! When the concert was over I bought a £12.50 Cure t-shirt and hopped in a taxi to the Marylebone Travelodge. My hotel room was very small and cute!


Beautiful fuzzy baby

Two Roberts













The next morning I woke up at about 8:30 and went down to see if there was any hotel breakfast available, and when I saw that there wasn't, I went for a walk around Marylebone Station with my Hello Kitty and bought myself a gay baby breakfast of BBQ Pop Chips, M&S milkshake and Jelly Bean Factory jelly beans!

My mum and I had to be out of the hotel by about 12 o'clock, so we both went for a walk around the general area surrounding Marylebone Station. We went to Costa for a sit-down, then I got a cotton candy ice cream from Baskin Robbins before we went to Regents Park to look at the ducks. There were these funny birds that bobbed around along the water and they definitely weren't ducks, but I still can't remember what they were called!

Can anybody help me identify this Birb???
We got the train back to Birmingham at 2pm, and upon returning to Birmingham I bought some eyeliner and I can't remember what else.

I also saw the Manic Street Preachers at the Wolverhampton Civic Hall, and I had a great time! I got into Wolverhampton at about two-ish, hung around outside the venue with my friends Amy, Ava and Ruby and some of their other friends too, talked about the Manics, quickly popped to Costa and McDonald's with Amy, discarded my moulting feather boa from Poundland in Nicky Wire's general direction only for it to get kicked aside by a security guard and bought a t-shirt only to lose it on the way home, hehe! They played two new songs, Europa Geht Durch Mich and the title track from their forthcoming album Futurology, and they were amazing! I can't wait for Futurology to be out. I hope the Manics do another tour and I get to meet Nicky!





Geography teacher Nicku look




Nicky smiley and his meme jacket

Between the 18th and the 26th of April my mum was away in the Maldives. I occupied my time by going to Milton Keynes for band practice and also playing with our singer's pet rats and eating ice cream and watching my Akira DVD, staying at my grandad's house for a few, seeing the new Spiderman film with my sister and my cousin, and I can't remember what else.

Arriving to the intended topic...
This week wasn't good for me in my opinion, so today I took myself out to do some retail therapy!


When I was waiting at the bus stop, I saw some people who had just gotten married riding down the road in a horse driven carriage and I thought it was quite funny and unusual to see!








Today has been successful and a good antidote to a generally rubbish week. Next week I'm going to see Janelle Monáe at the Institute in Digbeth, then Echo and the Bunnymen 3 days after that with Zombie Club in between and tomorrow I should be seeing the new Spiderman film again with my mum and visiting my cousin whose cat has just had kittens. Hopefully things will look up from here onwards!