why i am tired of the iron maiden fan club online forum (TW: racist slurs, self harm, etc)

Last night I made the stupid mistake of getting myself into another socio-political argument.
Before I went to sleep I went on the Iron Maiden Fan Club online forum and in the General Politics thread, hoping to see people talking about Wendy Davis or DOMA. Instead I saw people being nasty about Rachel Jeantel, a friend of Trayvon Martin and one of the defendants at the George Zimmerman trial, so for some dumb reason I stepped in. Here I've included screenshots of the whole thing that happened before I decided I was fed up.










(I accidentally said 'is' instead of 'isn't' whoops! Massive faux pas on my part!)












I'm feeling upset and weary just recounting this. If there's anything I've done wrong please let me know.
Anyway, by the end of it I put down my phone and burst into tears, and I relapsed badly after a month of not cutting. Hopefully my mum hadn't gone to sleep yet, and she told me that maybe I shouldn't go on that website anymore. I don't think I want to anyway. I was thinking of making it my last year there anyway, because I can't afford to pay £20 a year to resubscribe.
Since then those people have been saying nasty things like I'm a 'confused little girl' and I need help because I have problems in my head, but they didn't seem to be showing actual concern or anything, they were just using it to insult and patronise me. Luckily someone was nice about me, even if it was the only nice thing that has ever been said about me during the course of the discussion.

I sent this person a private message to thank them and explain that I wasn't going to be using that website anymore.

I'm feeling very fragile and unsteady right now. I always knew that there was a reason I shouldn't be using that sort of website, and I think I've just found it. I'm sick of racist white cishet men trying to justify their use of offensive slurs, and I'm sick of people trying to patronise me for my beliefs and the things I have to deal with every day. I'm just glad I didn't kill myself that night, because I still have a lot of things to look forward to. My head is all full of things that need saying. I don't know what they all are. I hate those kind of Iron Maiden fans. They don't care about people who are marginalised and oppressed. They only care about their precious 2nd Amendment. It makes me want to weep.

I decided not to go to Bernard yesterday, so I stayed in and watched Hannibal with my mum instead.

all we ever wanted was everything

College is really bringing me down quite a bit, and by a bit I mean a lot. I feel like a ghost with no friends, just people I talk to sometimes, and if I do have friends I'm scared I might lose them any second now. On Monday a friend of mine Liv told me and my other friend Jess about something that happened with a boy we hang around with at the smoking area - she went to his house and he punched her a lot - and yesterday I told the head of teaching and learning about it and I feel like I've betrayed Liv's trust. But I've never really liked this boy anyway, not since he posted a status on Facebook in December about how girls should 'have a bit of responsibility and not get innocent men into trouble' which could be construed as victim blaming and rape apologism. I'd also found ou that when he was going out with Jess he punched her on the arm, and I don't even want to imagine what else he might have done to her. I'm really scared about Liv finding out that I told someone about what boy #1 did to her, because apparently she's started defending him. I'm not angry at her but it's really terrifying. The person I told already spoke to Jess, and at one point she's going to talk to Liv too, and I know this because she told me. I might as well drop out now because I'm scared of losing my friends.
There's also another boy I know who hangs out at the smoking area, and on Friday he crossed the line of what I'd like as a friend and what I wouldn't. Liv told me that she and another friend of ours were lining up to get food from the canteen when this particular boy came up to them both and they were joking around as usual, but when she said 'your momma' as a joke he took it more seriously than he probably should have done, having a go at her because his mum apparently had a heart condition, and Liv told him that her dad had had a heart condition which had eventually killed him. At that point, the boy had another one of his fainting fits (which I've been beginning to suspect are fake) because nobody was on his side, and Liv and other friend just gave up and went to sit down to eat their food. After that the boy came back up to them again and apologised - which technically wasn't an apology because he was just having a go at Liv even more. When it became apparent that Liv was fed up of his shit he had another 'fainting fit'. He's really crossed the line now, and I'd had a bad feeling about him for a while which I couldn't quite put my finger on. He's underage so he can't buy his own cigarettes, so he tries to get us to go to the shop for him and always asks for cigarettes from us, and when we first met he told me his sob story which was probably a way to gain my trust so he could use me for cigarettes.
People at this college wear me out. This college wears me out.

I bought a Hello Kitty soft toy from Ryman's yesterday. She was born on the 1st of November in London and her interests are music, travel and reading.

On Monday I went to see Peter Murphy at the O2 Academy after college. I had lots of fun! I met some people from Only After Dark and a few people from Tumblr as well. I took the opportunity to use my new digital camera, which has a 12x zoom and it's really good!




The set consisted entirely of Bauhaus songs, which I really liked. I met a girl called Zoe who I know from Tumblr, she dresses in a deathrock style and has lots of badges and patches and things and she's really cool! We were both at the barrier and we made eye contact with Peter Murphy several times. I still have no idea who the support band were. The concert was at the Academy 2, which is a smaller venue inside the O2 Academy building where The Horrors played the first time I saw them two years ago. Afterwards I bought a little badge which had the Bauhaus logo on it and Zoe got the setlist! I had lots of fun and it was nice to forget about rubbish college for a while.

I don't know what else to write. Should I write anything else? The person on the computer next to me is really annoying.

tired and things

I argue and I argue on behalf of marginalised women until I am blue in the face and I get more stressed because people just will not listen and choose to live in their bubble where everything is fine and anything even resembling diversity and multiculturalism is 'PC nonsense' and people need to 'stop complaining' and everyone is 'too sensitive' or 'offended way too easily' but how do you explain that to people who suffer from PTSD that they 'chose to be offended' by your toxic rape jokes while they're having fucking flashbacks or that people who watch TV and don't see people like them who aren't the butt of jokes want to 'monopolise everything' or whatever I just want to see a transgender man who isn't killed all because he decided 'you know what I don't want to live in this body anymore it feels wrong it doesn't match I'm going to do something about that so it does match' or someone with autism who isn't basically just a human calculator because A LOT OF US ARE NOT HUMAN CALCULATORS WE ARE NOT SAVANTS WE ARE NOT RAIN MAN WE ARE NOT JJ FROM SKINS WE ARE NOT YOUR COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND'S SIBLING and because of my autism I don't know how to back up my arguments when people try to grind me down and tell me to 'get off my high horse' when I get passionate and angry about things and most of my friends are women and most of them are teenagers who ARE SICK OF BEING TOLD THEY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIVE UP TO THIS STANDARD OR THAT STANDARD and they are sick of your sexist jokes and anecdotes that you tell to your mates down the pub between shifts AND I AM STANDING WITH THEM BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT IS RIGHT and if I lose a few male friends aged 18-50 in the process then so fucking be it because I do not like sexism or racism or homophobia or transphobia or biphobia or any of the nasty -isms and -phobias that everyone else loves to use as the basis for their shitty harmful jokes!!!!!!