the critical distance

Last night the world lost another important figure of the latter half of the 20th century; former president of South Africa and anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela. Tributes have been pouring in left right and centre, but what I find really takes the cake is Etonian scum David Cameron having the nerve to cry crocodile tears for Madiba on Twitter when nearly 25 years ago he was campaigning for him to be hanged. I'm just glad Mandela outlived Thatcher, who as we all know also left this mortal coil back in April of this year. Rest in Power, Nelson Mandela. You will be missed.

Speaking of deaths, my granny Nellie also died on Sunday. She had a very long and happy life, unfortunately marred in her later months by leukaemia, and my mum and my sister both went to Ireland on Monday for the funeral on Wednesday. They came back yesterday. I've missed them both so much. During that period I stayed at my Grandad's house. Everyone is leaving so quickly. I don't want to lose my Grandad yet.
I'm seeing The Damned in concert tonight. Another long trip to Wolverhampton. I fear I might not have enough money for the cloakroom, as it's just occurred to me I'll have to put my coat in there. I also may need money for a taxi back from New Street station at the end of the night. I'm so nervous and I need to talk to my mum. Next week is Placebo, then Chameleons Vox the week after that.

I still haven't got round to talking about when I saw Gary Numan last month on here! What I will say is that the gig was amazing and Gary is so lovely and I miss him a lot. I really don't have the heart to go into every single tiny detail. I feel upset that I couldn't enjoy the Numa Bar afterparty for long enough, because Gary's wife Gemma came to visit some time after I left. I'm really upset that I missed her! I've always wanted to meet Gemma. I feel like the worst fan in the world.

I'm still trying to become a human. Luckily I get help with that at Aspire and from my mum as well, but I still feel like I'll never really be stable and happy. There's so much anxiety building up in me day in and day out, and it frightens me because it threatens to ruin my life by making me so frightened that I consider staying in bed instead of going to concerts by bands I enjoy. I still constantly feel like a benefit leech who will never amount to anything in society and is doomed to be unemployed and alone and forgotten. But then I remind myself, I have a support network of people to help me get through my life without suddenly turning into a child, and I get money every two weeks to make sure I am stable financially. But I keep spending it on clothes and makeup and shit I just don't need. "How dare those poor people have the same luxuries as us! How dare they even have shoes on their feet!" It just makes me want to cry, because one day I know I will be so poor that I won't be able to look after myself at all, and if I even do so much as treat myself to a nice meal or a television they will be at my throat with their accusations and their class rage. All I want is to have not been born like this. All I want is to be human.

EDIT: posted video