the man who dies every day

I've been meaning to make a new post on here for a couple of days, but due to laziness and sickness I've never really gotten round to it. So here is a new post.

On Sunday I went with my mum, sister, cousin and family friends to see George Michael at the LG Arena. While I myself am not particularly a fan of his music, a large part of my family is, however, and if I didn't go I would probably have regretted it. His sister Yioda is also a family friend, and when she met us at the venue she gave us VIP passes which allowed us to go backstage and hang out in the 'family room'. The concert itself was quite good, though George Michael mostly played other people's songs, which was a bit disappointing. And I was quite tired, hungry, thirsty and in need of a smoke all at once throughout the course of the evening, which didn't particularly help matters.
The next morning - Monday - I woke up with a bad cold. Despite this, I went to college anyway, even though I has the next day off. All the fun of hanging out with my friends seemed to have vaporised somehow, and whenever I smoked it felt like my throat was going to give up. I like smoking though, regardless of the health risks. It makes me feel like a real human being. To make matters worse, creepy boy somehow decided that it would be a perfectly good idea to come up to me in the library while I was in the middle of a lesson and ask me if I had a lighter. Naturally, I was annoyed, as one tends to get when unwillingly approached in the middle of a lesson by someone who simply won't leave you alone anyway.

On Tuesday I stayed home because of my bad cold, watched Howl's Moving Castle with my sister and drank hot chocolate.

Today was quite average. I am waiting rather impatiently for the summer to end so I can wear whatever I want without worrying about sweating in it. I hate the sun. I like big clouds that cover the sun. Just forty minutes ago I ran into an old school friend on my walk home from college. She appears to be doing quite well; she works as a hairdresser and was on her way to babysit for someone when I saw her. I told her about my being trans and she took it well, and of course she asked me if I was going to have 'the surgery', and I replied that yes, I'm definitely going to have top surgery but I haven't thought about bottom surgery that much.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself in that department. I don't particularly like the particular bits I have at the moment, but I don't hate them as such either. I just don't know. Masturbation is becoming a chore, something I feel like I have to do but sort of dread. I think that bottom surgery would definitely be an option for me, but I'm worried about side effects. I would just like to be able to piss standing up, I'd just like to be able to feel something during sex with someone. I don't know. I am lying in my bed typing this on my iPhone and feeling very inadequate.

I had my first counselling session of the new term today. I spoke a lot about my emotions and fears concerning The Cure and how so many of my friends have met at least one member, whereas I still haven't got that chance. I related back to something my mum said about my friends being in 'privileged positions' even though some of them who met Robert at the US Reflections gigs only waited outside the venue. All I want is to meet The Cure (mostly Robert and Simon), hug them, and tell them how wonderful they are, and I refuse to die until this has happened. I would like Robert to sign my left forearm - the inside of it - and then get it tattooed so I have something to remind me not to cut, at least not in that specific place. But Robert has said that the SummerCure tour will be the last world tour, or something to that effect, which scares and upsets me, because even though I know that he's been saying that for years, you never know when the most important thing to you in years will soon disappear, never to be touched again.

I want to stay home from college forever and just walk around in the dark.

I'm getting fed up of my hair now. I might get a hairdresser's appointment on the weekend so that I may have a baby deathhawk.

half alive in a 9 to 5

College was better today. I had a lot of fun with some of my friends between classes and drew some things that I'm actually pleased with, which is a nice surprise because usually I hate everything I make.






I'm not too sure about the second-to-last one, though. Maybe it wasn't such a god idea to add tone. The last one is a rather unflattering self-portrait. I'm not sure whether I like that one either, because it's a bit weird. I really like the first two, though. Usually I hate drawing faces in profile, but today I think I did a good job.
I really like drawing trad goths with big fluffy hair and lots of eyeliner, in case you couldn't tell.

Just a few hours ago I was looking for something to watch on television, since my mum has left the house tonight to go out for a meal. I decided to watch Vintage TV for a bit, and suddenly a Gary Numan video came on. It was a performance of 'Are "Friends" Electric?' from the Micromusic concert film, and as soon as I put two and two together I sort of fell apart and started sobbing incoherently about Gary being on my TV and how great this was. God, I love Gary Numan. Isn't he great? I can't wait to see him again in December.
I have also recorded vocals on GarageBand for the first Warhol Silkscreen recording, which is a cover of Queen Bitch by David Bowie. Seeing as it's just me and John at the moment, it's just guitar and vocals. And oh god, my voice sounds horrible. I really need to be on testosterone so I don't sound so much like a dying llama. I was not born to sing.

I'm not sure what I was born to do, really.
My mum's just come back.

pull down the sheets take off your clothes get out of bed i'm so tired

The weather has been satisfyingly cloudy and cold in the afternoons these past few days. It makes a change from the blinding sunshine and clear blue skies in the mornings, which I am beginning to detest more than usual. Creepy boy has finally left me alone, though he still asks for cigarettes off me. I've decided to stop sucking up to him and have told him no several times, because I need cigarettes to calm me down after a long and often stressful session. The breaks are shorter since I came back. It doesn't allow me enough time to smoke.
Today I was feeling shit about myself as usual after having flipped out at my tutors about annotating examples of past work and left the room, and I spoke to my personal tutor about how I felt about myself (negative self-perception due to being bullied in secondary school, lack of desire and motivation to work or do anything in the future, internalised pressure to achieve perfection, etc.) and had a good cry, and for the rest of the day I didn't really do much work. Instead I listened to The Chameleons and moped around a lot.

Speaking of The Chameleons. The other day I found out that Chameleons Vox (Mark Burgess and John Lever plus two other dudes?) are playing a concert in Manchester on the 15th of December - two days after The Damned play the O2 Academy in Birmingham. I would really like to go, considering I missed them when they played the HMV Institute in April because I hadn't gotten into them yet, but I don't see there being a chance of me being allowed to travel up to Manchester for a concert. I mean, I saw Iron Maiden at Twickenham Rugby Stadium when I was 14 and The Cure at the Royal Albert Hall last year, so why wouldn't I be able to go somewhere I'm fairly familiar with to see a band? But to be honest, the venue the gig is on at (Sound Control) is in a part of Manchester which I don't think I'm familiar with. But I would still really like to see Chameleons Vox.

I feel so sick and tired all the time - sick in the sense that I am sick of the routine that I was looking forward to re-integrating into my schedule and I am sick in my head. I just wish I could be at peace with myself so I could create things at a reasonable pace and be pleased with them instead of lying around at college like dead weight.

a person isn't safe anywhere these days

My first proper week back at college has not gone off to a very good start. I wish I could say it has, because I've been looking forward to actually having some sort of stability in my life for weeks since the holidays started, but I feel disappointed and like I don't want to go back again, to be honest.

The morning was alright enough, but at around 12:30 when lunch started things started to get nasty for me, but not drastically nasty. There's a new boy at my college who's the same age as me, and I thought he was alright when I first started talking to him last Thursday, but he just won't leave me alone. Before I've just been polite and continued making conversation, even if there are a lot of uncomfortable pauses, but today I have just about had enough. He keeps trying to talk to me about cars, asking me if I have a boyfriend and if I want one, offering to walk me back to my classrooms when I clearly know my way, and as of today, following me wherever I go.
Today I was hanging around the smoking area with my dearest friend Jess whilst this particular boy was hovering around, and when I went inside to have my lunch in the Bradbury Centre, he followed me and sat down next to me, then did the same thing when I went to have my lunch again in the canteen. He sat at my table, facing me, and he kept looking at me for a long period of time in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. By then I'd lost my appetite, but I still managed to finish my sandwich so I could leave, but as soon as I did I noticed the boy in question getting up out of his seat too, presumably to follow me. I literally ran to my classroom carrying two heavy bags, a coat, a leather jacket and a scarf, and when I got to the elevator I had to stop and catch my breath. I don't think I've ever been so concerned for my own safety ever in my life, even though he probably means no harm, but I still feel like I'm being smothered and strangled by my own irrational fears. Thankfully I managed to talk to my tutor about it.
Afterwards, in work skills (where we learn about careers, social skills, etc.), I went on the internet to look up job placement and volunteer positions that I could consider in the future - but really, I don't see myself succeeding in any walk of life - and by now I was feeling quite drained, lacklustre and upset. I went to register on a volunteers website, and when the form asked me for my title (as in Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr/etc) I completely froze up, then sort of broke down and left the room. It became clear to me that everything was affecting me negatively and that I needed some time out, but when I asked for it I was told it wouldn't be available to me for some time, after which I kicked a lot of things and shouted. I wish I hadn't done all that so I didn't have to type it. But eventually I did get some time out in a small hut with beanbags and a giant teddy bear in it outside the art room.
God, I wish I wasn't so pathetic. I could bury my head in my hands and stay like that forever if it meant I wouldn't have to show my face around my college or anywhere outside my room.

When I came back, I found out that there were people being mean to Beth, who is one of my best friends in the world (The Cure can bring the most unlikely people together), and they were saying that they didn't like her 'elitist attitude' or whatever, which is not true. There's been a bit of a rift in the Curefan community on Tumblr recently, and to put it honestly but not quite as eloquently as I'd like, it's made me feel really sad and like my whole world is falling apart. Beth is one of the loveliest people I know, and she really doesn't need this shit from the 'new Curefans' who have recently appeared. I can't help but think that they're slightly jealous that she met Simon Gallup and Jason Cooper, and
and
I'm sorry I just can't type anymore.

I hate myself ever such a lot. I'm sorry this post is longer than it should have been, but I just needed to get everything out.
I love you.
I hate me.

Today I listened to The Chameleons, Gary Numan and John Foxx and watched Top of the Pops videos on YouTube.

blah blah blah by robertsmithschesthair featuring diane von furstenberg

This is a Polyvore set I've just made showing the kind of outfit I'd like to wear when I go see Gary Numan in December. I already own the Bershka top, the eyeshadow, some of the earrings, a cigarette holder and a gel eyeliner, though it's not by E.L.F.. By then I hope to have had my nose pierced, my hair cut into a deathhawk, and ideally top surgery but that may not be the case by that time. I do own a pair of platform boots which I bought at a market in Montpellier for three euros, but they're by a little-known brand called Perfecta - and by little known I mean nothing satisfactory comes up on Google - so I just used a pair of Demonia platforms.

I'd really like to own a black faux fur coat, ideally one with a faux fur collar and sleeves, so to illustrate the kind of thing I'm thinking of I added the collar from a Diane von Furstenberg coat to an Emilio Pucci coat with fur sleeves. Seeing as the gig is in December I hope a coat like that will keep me warm, even though I'll probably have to take it off to put it in the cloakroom!

Through my dress sense I like to exude a kind of elegant masculinity wherever I go, though that doesn't always work because I don't pass very well - I blame the makeup! I'm very excited for this particular concert because I've bought one of those golden VIP packages for it, which allows me to watch the soundcheck and there's a meet and greet after that including a photo opportunity, so basically I think I'm going to meet Gary Numan! I'm not sure whether my guitarist will need to buy a VIP thing as well though, I really ought to nag him about it some more.

I just hope senpai will notice me~

up the down escalator

The year is 2012, and the date is the 9th of September. I am currently sitting at home wondering what the hell I should be doing with my life.
My name is Alex. I'm 18 years old and I'm an Art and Design student at a college in Harborne. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of two. My favourite bands are The Cure, Gary Numan, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Manic Street Preachers, Asylum Party and The Chameleons. I am female-to-male transgender, and on the 3rd of September I received my gender counselling appointment with Professor Femi Oyebode on the 23rd of October. I am also in the beginnings of a band called Warhol Silkscreen, and we still need a drummer and a bassist. I also need to get over my insecurities and write more songs to sing. Hopefully I will use this blog as a platform to document the occurrences of my life much better than I usually would on Tumblr, discuss art, music, literature and fashion, and generally express myself more coherently than I usually do.

Today I watched Mean Girls, ate lots of food, went out for a walk and listened to The Chameleons. On Thursday and Friday I went back to college, but lessons don't officially start until Monday. I still don't know how I'm going to get through the whole day, as I have been known to get very sleepy during the day. Cigarettes keep me awake. I only have a pack of Marlboro Reds to last me until I get my DLA on the 18th, and some Djarum Black cloves.

I'm going to see George Michael this month with some family members, as his sister Yioda is a family friend of ours and she gave us the tickets. Then I am going to see Sparks with my mum on the 23rd of October, Adam Ant on the 17th of November, Gary Numan with my guitarist on the 6th of December and The Damned on the 13th. I still need to buy tickets for The Damned.
I will when I have money. I am broke.