I've been meaning to make a new post on here for a couple of days, but due to laziness and sickness I've never really gotten round to it. So here is a new post.
On Sunday I went with my mum, sister, cousin and family friends to see George Michael at the LG Arena. While I myself am not particularly a fan of his music, a large part of my family is, however, and if I didn't go I would probably have regretted it. His sister Yioda is also a family friend, and when she met us at the venue she gave us VIP passes which allowed us to go backstage and hang out in the 'family room'. The concert itself was quite good, though George Michael mostly played other people's songs, which was a bit disappointing. And I was quite tired, hungry, thirsty and in need of a smoke all at once throughout the course of the evening, which didn't particularly help matters.
The next morning - Monday - I woke up with a bad cold. Despite this, I went to college anyway, even though I has the next day off. All the fun of hanging out with my friends seemed to have vaporised somehow, and whenever I smoked it felt like my throat was going to give up. I like smoking though, regardless of the health risks. It makes me feel like a real human being. To make matters worse, creepy boy somehow decided that it would be a perfectly good idea to come up to me in the library while I was in the middle of a lesson and ask me if I had a lighter. Naturally, I was annoyed, as one tends to get when unwillingly approached in the middle of a lesson by someone who simply won't leave you alone anyway.
On Tuesday I stayed home because of my bad cold, watched Howl's Moving Castle with my sister and drank hot chocolate.
Today was quite average. I am waiting rather impatiently for the summer to end so I can wear whatever I want without worrying about sweating in it. I hate the sun. I like big clouds that cover the sun. Just forty minutes ago I ran into an old school friend on my walk home from college. She appears to be doing quite well; she works as a hairdresser and was on her way to babysit for someone when I saw her. I told her about my being trans and she took it well, and of course she asked me if I was going to have 'the surgery', and I replied that yes, I'm definitely going to have top surgery but I haven't thought about bottom surgery that much.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself in that department. I don't particularly like the particular bits I have at the moment, but I don't hate them as such either. I just don't know. Masturbation is becoming a chore, something I feel like I have to do but sort of dread. I think that bottom surgery would definitely be an option for me, but I'm worried about side effects. I would just like to be able to piss standing up, I'd just like to be able to feel something during sex with someone. I don't know. I am lying in my bed typing this on my iPhone and feeling very inadequate.
I had my first counselling session of the new term today. I spoke a lot about my emotions and fears concerning The Cure and how so many of my friends have met at least one member, whereas I still haven't got that chance. I related back to something my mum said about my friends being in 'privileged positions' even though some of them who met Robert at the US Reflections gigs only waited outside the venue. All I want is to meet The Cure (mostly Robert and Simon), hug them, and tell them how wonderful they are, and I refuse to die until this has happened. I would like Robert to sign my left forearm - the inside of it - and then get it tattooed so I have something to remind me not to cut, at least not in that specific place. But Robert has said that the SummerCure tour will be the last world tour, or something to that effect, which scares and upsets me, because even though I know that he's been saying that for years, you never know when the most important thing to you in years will soon disappear, never to be touched again.
I want to stay home from college forever and just walk around in the dark.
I'm getting fed up of my hair now. I might get a hairdresser's appointment on the weekend so that I may have a baby deathhawk.
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