swimming in the same deep water as you is hard

Have the past few days been any good? Absolutely not.
Everything leading up to yesterday has mostly been a dull blur, but Wednesday afternoon was particularly bad. After college I went up to Northfield to take back a 3-pack of boxers that cost £10 after I realised I probably shouldn't have spent that much on boxers, then waited to meet my guitarist. He'd texted me at about quarter past four telling me he'd just left the house, and earlier he'd said it takes him 15 minutes to get to Northfield, so at about quarter to five I noticed something wasn't right. His phone must have been off because when I phoned him it went straight to voicemail, and I was there for well over an hour and a half before I got fed up, bought a Subway and went home.
I'm not supposed to have Subways because I have a gluten intolerance (it seriously fucks with my mood) but I just didn't give a shit.
When I got there I opened a parcel (Dance by Gary Numan on vinyl), went straight up to bed and stayed there all day, blaming myself for what had happened. I still believe that it's all my fault my guitarist didn't show up, despite him usually being very reliable and us having been friends for months, but I have very low self-esteem anyway and have genuine difficulty imagining someone actually liking me as a person. I've struggled with this for nearly half my life and I don't see it going away very soon. It's only recently started to manifest itself as a serious psychological illness, however.

Today I had the day off because I feel so shit. I spent it cutting, lying in bed, and crying. My left arm is completely fucked now, my only motive being boredom and missing the feel, and I have nobody to blame but myself. What if I fall into the routine again where I cut myself daily and have to wear armwarmers all the time? What if I'm trapped in the routine by December and I go see Gary Numan and I go to the VIP thing and I meet him and my cuts show and why do I care so much about what musicians in their 50's think about me?
And I just want to have transitioned now. Why couldn't I have wanted gender counselling earlier? I can't stand the thought of my idols not seeing me as male.

I have just watched Fight Club to pass the time until I get to go to bed and tomorrow starts so I can miss college again and go up to town to look at pretty jewellery in Topshop and Topman. Fight Club is a very good film. I liked it a lot.

I crave escapism in its most extreme form. I want to pack a suitcase, leave home, move into a squat, throw away all of my responsibilities, never make contact with a human being ever again and be at peace with myself. I just want to not be stuck in this useless body and this useless life anymore, but I've known for a long time that there's nothing I can do.
And that realisation makes me want to cry.