Yesterday was the first day back after the half term. Sunday wasn't very good - in fact it was quite horrid. I'd rather not go into it, but all I will say is I ended up crying and cutting. Yesterday generally went ok, but the only memorable event was when one of my friends full-on kissed me by the smoking area - it wasn't a completely serious thing, though, it was just a bit of joking around. But it was nice. And besides, my best friend had given me blowbacks just a minute before so both my friends ended up with black lipstick round their mouths. Today was horrid, though.
This morning I had to wait 20 minutes for my bus because Network West Midlands is shit, was always shit and always will be shit. As soon as a bus came, I got stuck in traffic and was about ten minutes late for my first lesson, and because I was so miserable I had to go into the shed and sleep.
Afterwards I spoke to the educational psychologist, sometimes about good things and sometimes about bad things. When I came out, I saw the friend from yesterday talking to one of the art tutors by the smoking area. It turns out that her boyfriend of a year and a half had dumped her, so naturally I spent the majority of today comforting her. A friend in need is a friend in deed, I suppose. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like it's my fault they split up, even though I saw it coming from a mile off. I feel like someone must have seen us kissing yesterday and... I don't know. I don't know if I can even be bothered to go in tomorrow, but there's a Halloween buffet thing tomorrow and I already gave in my permission slip.
I care so little about myself that I bought a pizza from Pizza Pepper in Selly Oak while I was waiting for my bus home.
I don't really feel like I fit in at college. It's all just a happy little community full of special needs teens and young adults who get on together and do activities and attempt to progress in life like the world isn't going to shit, and I'm just on my own at the smoking area with my black clothes and Sterlings being a nihilistic arsehole. Sometimes I feel like Richey Edwards, but not in a good way. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown sooner or later, and it's not going to be pretty. I actually get worried when people tell me I remind them of Richey, even though nobody's said that in months. And on top of that, there's also the issue of me being transgender and having to remind everyone that I'm a man. It really shouldn't be that difficult.
The thing that pains me most about going out in public - besides college - is that nobody will ever really see me as a man, no matter how tightly I bind, no matter how many times I go without makeup - and on top of all that, this is without testosterone or surgery. I still need to buy a packer, but I'm essentially broke right now, and I end up spending all my money on crap before I actually remember that I need to do it. And the thing that pains me the most about being pre-everything is that I'll never really have a proper relationship. I don't talk to strangers, people seem to conveniently forget that I'm a man, and if anyone does want to date me, it'll probably be those FTM chaser creeps who will probably dump me as soon as testosterone makes me grow stubble and my voice drop. Most of the Manic Street Preachers song Born A Girl seems apt - if you change a few words, maybe. I'm just so sick of existing.
At least I sort of know what I'm going to do for my Real Life Test. I might apply for a job at the youth centre where I did my work experience in year 11. Don't know if it'll all work, though. I'm not working.
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