i've got a war in my mind

Since I made my last blog post a lot has happened in my life. College has been somewhat difficult and I've been feeling particularly bad about things, and I'm not sure how to work on that. On Thursday last week I broke down in the middle of a lesson and had to go home early, and I'm really not proud of that. The new Bat For Lashes album has come out today, and I might go to HMV after college to see if they're stocking it yet. I have a lot of fond memories of Bat For Lashes, mostly from the summer of 2010 after a post-GCSE barbeque in Weoley Castle, where I drank a lot, went home with a headache, fell asleep and listened to Two Suns for the rest of the week to recuperate.
During a session with my college counsellor last week I texted my friend to see if he was okay - my mum had a theory that he was worried about having to pay for one of the Gary Numan tickets I bought for the both of us, and he replied the same day, which was a huge relief considering I was going to wait until Friday for a reply. It turns out that he'd stopped taking his medication and was feeling sad about stuff, and he's still getting used to it now. I haven't spoken to him much since, mostly because I don't want to bother him at the moment and I don't have much to talk about anyway.

Most of the time all I want to do is sleep. I think I might take one of these records with me when I see Gary Numan in December to see if I can get them signed:

but I'm not sure which one I should bring at the moment or if I should at all. I've been fussing and getting excited for this particular concert for a while now, even though it's less than two months away, but at the moment this is the only thing I have coming up that I'm really looking forward to, even though I do have other things to look forward to. I suppose it's mostly because I've bought one of those golden VIP packages. I still don't know how to tell my mum about that, and I'm not sure whether I'm going to have to take the whole day off college or just leave early considering it's on a Thursday and I need to get ready and I bring a lot of bags into college which I need to sort out.
There's also the matter of how I'm going to conduct myself when I meet Gary. I'm really not good at talking to people, despite how it may seem to others, and if I'm put in front of someone who I really look up to a lot then that will just exacerbate the situation. I don't know what I'd talk to him about - part of me wants to ask him about his Berserker makeup, and part of me wants to just thank him personally for his music and ask him for some advice about the band (the future of Warhol Silkscreen is still uncertain). As a budding musician living with autism, I feel that his music has really helped me come to terms with who I am as an individual.

Cats.

I've been listening to a lot of SLEEP ∞ OVER and Lana Del Rey. The other day my mum and I discussed getting me a packer, and I still don't know how I'm going to go through life if I'm not easily read as male. I'm still trying to get by without testosterone, and it's very hard.