the haunted man

I seem to have fallen out of the habit of posting on here regularly.
This week is half term week. So far I've spent it either lying in bed and not leaving the house or doing the complete opposite. I can't remember what I did on Monday, but on Tuesday I finally had my gender counselling appointment with Professor Oyebode. He was a very nice man who I felt truly comfortable and honest around compared to my psychiatrist who I saw between November 2011 and May 2012, and my next appointment with him has been booked for the 28th of January 2013. We reached an agreement that I would live for 12 more months as a man until I'm referred to Charing Cross, since most of the transgender people Professor Oyebode has seen have known from a very early age that they were transgender. For a moment I was worried that he thought I was making it all up, and sometimes I worry that I am, even though I'm completely honest with myself about a lot of important things. If it feels real, then it must be true, surely? I don't want to go back to living as a girl.
The same day I went to see Sparks at the HMV Institute with my mum and lots of fun was had. But near the end of the set some drunk students spilled some beer and it got in my mum's boots, and she looked really sad for the next few songs and that made me a bit sad too. But generally I had a good time at my favourite venue.
Yesterday my sister decided she was going to Sainsbury's just as I went out for a walk, so I waited by the corner shop for her to pick me up. We bought chicken satays, a chicken tikka kebab, some chocolate and strawberry milk and a notebook. Then I watched Heathers on YouTube until about ten past twelve, and enjoyed it a lot. Tomorrow I'm seeing my guitarist and the day after that I'm seeing my best friend since primary school.

I'm not sure where my life is going. Since the appointment with Professor Oyebode I've been worrying about what I'm going to do after I leave college. My fellow students have been generally accepting of me being transgender, and I'm not sure how people would react when I try to survive in the real world, especially considering I don't really 'pass'. I hate the word 'pass', it's like pretending to be something you're not. There's also the matter of finding employment. Because I've got autism it's generally going to be a lot harder for me to find work, and I don't feel that there's many lines of work that really appeal to me. My sister has a job and is trying to go back to college to finish a few degrees, and every time I think about it I just feel so awful knowing that she's gotten further in life than me. It's not fair. Why did I have to waste my life being an arsehole between the ages of 11 and 16?

Recently I've bought Born to Die by Lana Del Rey, The Haunted Man by Bat For Lashes, and Gold Against The Soul, Know Your Enemy and This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours by the Manic Street Preachers. Born to Die is extremely enjoyable, The Haunted Man is a masterpiece and I still need to listen to the Manics albums. The next Crystal Castles is out soon and I think I'd better get on with pre-ordering it.

My Illamasqua Kontrol lipstick has broken twice now. Last time I went to buy another one at Selfridges it wasn't in stock, so I'm going to wait until Sunday, when some shoes I'm selling on eBay have ended.