The weather has been satisfyingly cloudy and cold in the afternoons these past few days. It makes a change from the blinding sunshine and clear blue skies in the mornings, which I am beginning to detest more than usual. Creepy boy has finally left me alone, though he still asks for cigarettes off me. I've decided to stop sucking up to him and have told him no several times, because I need cigarettes to calm me down after a long and often stressful session. The breaks are shorter since I came back. It doesn't allow me enough time to smoke.
Today I was feeling shit about myself as usual after having flipped out at my tutors about annotating examples of past work and left the room, and I spoke to my personal tutor about how I felt about myself (negative self-perception due to being bullied in secondary school, lack of desire and motivation to work or do anything in the future, internalised pressure to achieve perfection, etc.) and had a good cry, and for the rest of the day I didn't really do much work. Instead I listened to The Chameleons and moped around a lot.
Speaking of The Chameleons. The other day I found out that Chameleons Vox (Mark Burgess and John Lever plus two other dudes?) are playing a concert in Manchester on the 15th of December - two days after The Damned play the O2 Academy in Birmingham. I would really like to go, considering I missed them when they played the HMV Institute in April because I hadn't gotten into them yet, but I don't see there being a chance of me being allowed to travel up to Manchester for a concert. I mean, I saw Iron Maiden at Twickenham Rugby Stadium when I was 14 and The Cure at the Royal Albert Hall last year, so why wouldn't I be able to go somewhere I'm fairly familiar with to see a band? But to be honest, the venue the gig is on at (Sound Control) is in a part of Manchester which I don't think I'm familiar with. But I would still really like to see Chameleons Vox.
I feel so sick and tired all the time - sick in the sense that I am sick of the routine that I was looking forward to re-integrating into my schedule and I am sick in my head. I just wish I could be at peace with myself so I could create things at a reasonable pace and be pleased with them instead of lying around at college like dead weight.
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