My first proper week back at college has not gone off to a very good start. I wish I could say it has, because I've been looking forward to actually having some sort of stability in my life for weeks since the holidays started, but I feel disappointed and like I don't want to go back again, to be honest.
The morning was alright enough, but at around 12:30 when lunch started things started to get nasty for me, but not drastically nasty. There's a new boy at my college who's the same age as me, and I thought he was alright when I first started talking to him last Thursday, but he just won't leave me alone. Before I've just been polite and continued making conversation, even if there are a lot of uncomfortable pauses, but today I have just about had enough. He keeps trying to talk to me about cars, asking me if I have a boyfriend and if I want one, offering to walk me back to my classrooms when I clearly know my way, and as of today, following me wherever I go.
Today I was hanging around the smoking area with my dearest friend Jess whilst this particular boy was hovering around, and when I went inside to have my lunch in the Bradbury Centre, he followed me and sat down next to me, then did the same thing when I went to have my lunch again in the canteen. He sat at my table, facing me, and he kept looking at me for a long period of time in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. By then I'd lost my appetite, but I still managed to finish my sandwich so I could leave, but as soon as I did I noticed the boy in question getting up out of his seat too, presumably to follow me. I literally ran to my classroom carrying two heavy bags, a coat, a leather jacket and a scarf, and when I got to the elevator I had to stop and catch my breath. I don't think I've ever been so concerned for my own safety ever in my life, even though he probably means no harm, but I still feel like I'm being smothered and strangled by my own irrational fears. Thankfully I managed to talk to my tutor about it.
Afterwards, in work skills (where we learn about careers, social skills, etc.), I went on the internet to look up job placement and volunteer positions that I could consider in the future - but really, I don't see myself succeeding in any walk of life - and by now I was feeling quite drained, lacklustre and upset. I went to register on a volunteers website, and when the form asked me for my title (as in Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr/etc) I completely froze up, then sort of broke down and left the room. It became clear to me that everything was affecting me negatively and that I needed some time out, but when I asked for it I was told it wouldn't be available to me for some time, after which I kicked a lot of things and shouted. I wish I hadn't done all that so I didn't have to type it. But eventually I did get some time out in a small hut with beanbags and a giant teddy bear in it outside the art room.
God, I wish I wasn't so pathetic. I could bury my head in my hands and stay like that forever if it meant I wouldn't have to show my face around my college or anywhere outside my room.
When I came back, I found out that there were people being mean to Beth, who is one of my best friends in the world (The Cure can bring the most unlikely people together), and they were saying that they didn't like her 'elitist attitude' or whatever, which is not true. There's been a bit of a rift in the Curefan community on Tumblr recently, and to put it honestly but not quite as eloquently as I'd like, it's made me feel really sad and like my whole world is falling apart. Beth is one of the loveliest people I know, and she really doesn't need this shit from the 'new Curefans' who have recently appeared. I can't help but think that they're slightly jealous that she met Simon Gallup and Jason Cooper, and
and
I'm sorry I just can't type anymore.
I hate myself ever such a lot. I'm sorry this post is longer than it should have been, but I just needed to get everything out.
I love you.
I hate me.
Today I listened to The Chameleons, Gary Numan and John Foxx and watched Top of the Pops videos on YouTube.
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