i'm not working

There was a red sky this morning. I can't believe I actually believe in that red sky at night, shepherd's delight shit. It's only really a recent thing, though, now that I'm old enough to actually make sense of it.
Yesterday was the first day back after the half term. Sunday wasn't very good - in fact it was quite horrid. I'd rather not go into it, but all I will say is I ended up crying and cutting. Yesterday generally went ok, but the only memorable event was when one of my friends full-on kissed me by the smoking area - it wasn't a completely serious thing, though, it was just a bit of joking around. But it was nice. And besides, my best friend had given me blowbacks just a minute before so both my friends ended up with black lipstick round their mouths. Today was horrid, though.
This morning I had to wait 20 minutes for my bus because Network West Midlands is shit, was always shit and always will be shit. As soon as a bus came, I got stuck in traffic and was about ten minutes late for my first lesson, and because I was so miserable I had to go into the shed and sleep.
Afterwards I spoke to the educational psychologist, sometimes about good things and sometimes about bad things. When I came out, I saw the friend from yesterday talking to one of the art tutors by the smoking area. It turns out that her boyfriend of a year and a half had dumped her, so naturally I spent the majority of today comforting her. A friend in need is a friend in deed, I suppose. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like it's my fault they split up, even though I saw it coming from a mile off. I feel like someone must have seen us kissing yesterday and... I don't know. I don't know if I can even be bothered to go in tomorrow, but there's a Halloween buffet thing tomorrow and I already gave in my permission slip.
I care so little about myself that I bought a pizza from Pizza Pepper in Selly Oak while I was waiting for my bus home.

I don't really feel like I fit in at college. It's all just a happy little community full of special needs teens and young adults who get on together and do activities and attempt to progress in life like the world isn't going to shit, and I'm just on my own at the smoking area with my black clothes and Sterlings being a nihilistic arsehole. Sometimes I feel like Richey Edwards, but not in a good way. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown sooner or later, and it's not going to be pretty. I actually get worried when people tell me I remind them of Richey, even though nobody's said that in months. And on top of that, there's also the issue of me being transgender and having to remind everyone that I'm a man. It really shouldn't be that difficult.
The thing that pains me most about going out in public - besides college - is that nobody will ever really see me as a man, no matter how tightly I bind, no matter how many times I go without makeup - and on top of all that, this is without testosterone or surgery. I still need to buy a packer, but I'm essentially broke right now, and I end up spending all my money on crap before I actually remember that I need to do it. And the thing that pains me the most about being pre-everything is that I'll never really have a proper relationship. I don't talk to strangers, people seem to conveniently forget that I'm a man, and if anyone does want to date me, it'll probably be those FTM chaser creeps who will probably dump me as soon as testosterone makes me grow stubble and my voice drop. Most of the Manic Street Preachers song Born A Girl seems apt - if you change a few words, maybe. I'm just so sick of existing.
At least I sort of know what I'm going to do for my Real Life Test. I might apply for a job at the youth centre where I did my work experience in year 11. Don't know if it'll all work, though. I'm not working.

the haunted man

I seem to have fallen out of the habit of posting on here regularly.
This week is half term week. So far I've spent it either lying in bed and not leaving the house or doing the complete opposite. I can't remember what I did on Monday, but on Tuesday I finally had my gender counselling appointment with Professor Oyebode. He was a very nice man who I felt truly comfortable and honest around compared to my psychiatrist who I saw between November 2011 and May 2012, and my next appointment with him has been booked for the 28th of January 2013. We reached an agreement that I would live for 12 more months as a man until I'm referred to Charing Cross, since most of the transgender people Professor Oyebode has seen have known from a very early age that they were transgender. For a moment I was worried that he thought I was making it all up, and sometimes I worry that I am, even though I'm completely honest with myself about a lot of important things. If it feels real, then it must be true, surely? I don't want to go back to living as a girl.
The same day I went to see Sparks at the HMV Institute with my mum and lots of fun was had. But near the end of the set some drunk students spilled some beer and it got in my mum's boots, and she looked really sad for the next few songs and that made me a bit sad too. But generally I had a good time at my favourite venue.
Yesterday my sister decided she was going to Sainsbury's just as I went out for a walk, so I waited by the corner shop for her to pick me up. We bought chicken satays, a chicken tikka kebab, some chocolate and strawberry milk and a notebook. Then I watched Heathers on YouTube until about ten past twelve, and enjoyed it a lot. Tomorrow I'm seeing my guitarist and the day after that I'm seeing my best friend since primary school.

I'm not sure where my life is going. Since the appointment with Professor Oyebode I've been worrying about what I'm going to do after I leave college. My fellow students have been generally accepting of me being transgender, and I'm not sure how people would react when I try to survive in the real world, especially considering I don't really 'pass'. I hate the word 'pass', it's like pretending to be something you're not. There's also the matter of finding employment. Because I've got autism it's generally going to be a lot harder for me to find work, and I don't feel that there's many lines of work that really appeal to me. My sister has a job and is trying to go back to college to finish a few degrees, and every time I think about it I just feel so awful knowing that she's gotten further in life than me. It's not fair. Why did I have to waste my life being an arsehole between the ages of 11 and 16?

Recently I've bought Born to Die by Lana Del Rey, The Haunted Man by Bat For Lashes, and Gold Against The Soul, Know Your Enemy and This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours by the Manic Street Preachers. Born to Die is extremely enjoyable, The Haunted Man is a masterpiece and I still need to listen to the Manics albums. The next Crystal Castles is out soon and I think I'd better get on with pre-ordering it.

My Illamasqua Kontrol lipstick has broken twice now. Last time I went to buy another one at Selfridges it wasn't in stock, so I'm going to wait until Sunday, when some shoes I'm selling on eBay have ended.

i've got a war in my mind

Since I made my last blog post a lot has happened in my life. College has been somewhat difficult and I've been feeling particularly bad about things, and I'm not sure how to work on that. On Thursday last week I broke down in the middle of a lesson and had to go home early, and I'm really not proud of that. The new Bat For Lashes album has come out today, and I might go to HMV after college to see if they're stocking it yet. I have a lot of fond memories of Bat For Lashes, mostly from the summer of 2010 after a post-GCSE barbeque in Weoley Castle, where I drank a lot, went home with a headache, fell asleep and listened to Two Suns for the rest of the week to recuperate.
During a session with my college counsellor last week I texted my friend to see if he was okay - my mum had a theory that he was worried about having to pay for one of the Gary Numan tickets I bought for the both of us, and he replied the same day, which was a huge relief considering I was going to wait until Friday for a reply. It turns out that he'd stopped taking his medication and was feeling sad about stuff, and he's still getting used to it now. I haven't spoken to him much since, mostly because I don't want to bother him at the moment and I don't have much to talk about anyway.

Most of the time all I want to do is sleep. I think I might take one of these records with me when I see Gary Numan in December to see if I can get them signed:

but I'm not sure which one I should bring at the moment or if I should at all. I've been fussing and getting excited for this particular concert for a while now, even though it's less than two months away, but at the moment this is the only thing I have coming up that I'm really looking forward to, even though I do have other things to look forward to. I suppose it's mostly because I've bought one of those golden VIP packages. I still don't know how to tell my mum about that, and I'm not sure whether I'm going to have to take the whole day off college or just leave early considering it's on a Thursday and I need to get ready and I bring a lot of bags into college which I need to sort out.
There's also the matter of how I'm going to conduct myself when I meet Gary. I'm really not good at talking to people, despite how it may seem to others, and if I'm put in front of someone who I really look up to a lot then that will just exacerbate the situation. I don't know what I'd talk to him about - part of me wants to ask him about his Berserker makeup, and part of me wants to just thank him personally for his music and ask him for some advice about the band (the future of Warhol Silkscreen is still uncertain). As a budding musician living with autism, I feel that his music has really helped me come to terms with who I am as an individual.

Cats.

I've been listening to a lot of SLEEP ∞ OVER and Lana Del Rey. The other day my mum and I discussed getting me a packer, and I still don't know how I'm going to go through life if I'm not easily read as male. I'm still trying to get by without testosterone, and it's very hard.

WARHOL SILKSCREEN IS DEAD

I've got nothing to live for anymore. I've got no future, no goals, no hope, no love and no motivation to do anything with my life. I'd better just give up now and get a shitty 9 to 5 job because I'm no good at anything else.

blank

The past two days since I made my last post have been spent quite happily in town, spending what I have left of the money in my bank account on things to fulfil me for the next two months and generally make me feel happier about missing two days of college. I have finally bought a detachable black faux fur collar from H&M and some stiletto nails from Claire's, and I have also bought some rings to fill up my fingers because I don't feel complete as a person unless I have a lot of jewellery on. Now I am going to wait until my next DLA comes in (which is in ten days) so I can buy tickets to see Crystal Castles and possibly get a few more piercings. The weather yesterday was more than satisfactory - cloudy and cold - but today the sun was out, which hindered my enjoyment of my day a little bit.

I have also been following Paris Fashion Week a little bit. So far I am impressed with Jean Paul Gaultier, Saint Laurent and Alexander McQueen, and I'm not too sure about Chanel and Stella McCartney. While most of the clothes at Chanel are quite nice the accessories are an eyesore, particularly the hula hoop bags and the transparent hats. What I liked about Saint Laurent was the use of sheer black fabrics and the structured silhouettes, the former of which may or may not have been inspired by Stevie Nicks. And as usual, Valentino never fails to impress, utilising lace and silks and Peter Pan collars.

Recently I invested in a new Barry M nail polish; Limited Web Effects (239), even though I usually never paint my nails. The polish comes in a bright orange colour and claims to dry to a spiderweb effect when applied on top of another nail polish, much like the 'crackle' effect polishes that are particularly popular nowadays. Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find that the polish only dried to a 'croc' effect and not a spiderweb effect as I hoped, which did upset me a little bit since I thought that this product would get me into the mood for Halloween.
I might consider going to a Halloween party next month, which is being held by a boy at college who I talk to regularly. I've decided I'm going to dress up as Cruella de Vil, the villainess from 101 Dalmatians, and I think I'm probably going to have to buy a lot of things to put this particular costume together. I already have a cigarette holder, which is good.

swimming in the same deep water as you is hard

Have the past few days been any good? Absolutely not.
Everything leading up to yesterday has mostly been a dull blur, but Wednesday afternoon was particularly bad. After college I went up to Northfield to take back a 3-pack of boxers that cost £10 after I realised I probably shouldn't have spent that much on boxers, then waited to meet my guitarist. He'd texted me at about quarter past four telling me he'd just left the house, and earlier he'd said it takes him 15 minutes to get to Northfield, so at about quarter to five I noticed something wasn't right. His phone must have been off because when I phoned him it went straight to voicemail, and I was there for well over an hour and a half before I got fed up, bought a Subway and went home.
I'm not supposed to have Subways because I have a gluten intolerance (it seriously fucks with my mood) but I just didn't give a shit.
When I got there I opened a parcel (Dance by Gary Numan on vinyl), went straight up to bed and stayed there all day, blaming myself for what had happened. I still believe that it's all my fault my guitarist didn't show up, despite him usually being very reliable and us having been friends for months, but I have very low self-esteem anyway and have genuine difficulty imagining someone actually liking me as a person. I've struggled with this for nearly half my life and I don't see it going away very soon. It's only recently started to manifest itself as a serious psychological illness, however.

Today I had the day off because I feel so shit. I spent it cutting, lying in bed, and crying. My left arm is completely fucked now, my only motive being boredom and missing the feel, and I have nobody to blame but myself. What if I fall into the routine again where I cut myself daily and have to wear armwarmers all the time? What if I'm trapped in the routine by December and I go see Gary Numan and I go to the VIP thing and I meet him and my cuts show and why do I care so much about what musicians in their 50's think about me?
And I just want to have transitioned now. Why couldn't I have wanted gender counselling earlier? I can't stand the thought of my idols not seeing me as male.

I have just watched Fight Club to pass the time until I get to go to bed and tomorrow starts so I can miss college again and go up to town to look at pretty jewellery in Topshop and Topman. Fight Club is a very good film. I liked it a lot.

I crave escapism in its most extreme form. I want to pack a suitcase, leave home, move into a squat, throw away all of my responsibilities, never make contact with a human being ever again and be at peace with myself. I just want to not be stuck in this useless body and this useless life anymore, but I've known for a long time that there's nothing I can do.
And that realisation makes me want to cry.