dolls polyphony

So today I found out that The Cure will be playing a Teenage Cancer Trust concert at the Royal Albert Hall in March, and the tickets go on sale tomorrow. I don't know how to feel, because I spoke to my mum about it and also mentioned that I had been looking at Beyoncé tickets earlier today and she basically said it's got to be one or the other. I can understand it because there's no way anyone in this family can afford both, but it does make me feel sad and incapable of making a fully informed decision without possibly regretting it. Oh, I wish I was a cat! :(
In slightly better news, I went to see Depeche Mode at the LG Arena on Monday and they were really great! I got to the venue and back on my own without panicking, bought myself some Cadbury's Buttons to eat while watching the support act, saved my last cigarette until the next day and got home nice and early! They played some of my favourite songs and some I didn't know. I went without any big expectations and had lots of fun! I did a lot of sleeping the morning after and went to town later in the afternoon to buy eyeliner and cigarettes. Since this week has began I have went out of my way not to spend too much money. Today I only had a hot chocolate from Costa and bought a small ear cuff from Claire's, and yesterday I paid for my eyeliners and things with a £5 and my debit card.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for the rest of the week. My key worker at Aspire assures me I am doing well and making progress with my wellbeing, and at Aspire I really do feel like that's the case. But at home I don't feel quite as valued. Maybe it's because my mum is busy a lot? I don't know. But I wish I could be human all the time, not just at Aspire.

Maybe I need to arrange to see a friend some time. I haven't done that since July. I think it was July. Anyway, it's been far too long. That's an example of isolation in its most extreme form. I just wish I knew who to ask..... I'm worried that if I ask someone if they want to go into town, they will say they're busy and then never get back to me or just straight up say no or that they don't want anything to do with me.

My key worker suggested I keep a journal in which I write down good things that happen each day every day. I think it's a very good idea and I already bought myself one on Saturday, but the problem is that by the time I get home the whole day has just disappeared from my recollection in tiny fragments. So I can't always remember what happened on a certain day that was particularly good.
I've also been trying to draw on a regular basis again. Sometimes I forget but that's ok, because I'm pleased with what I've made so far!



Look at this cat sleeping on Totoro! I want that big Totoro to cuddle with. But a small or medium sized Totoro will do fine for now.

in our angelhood

It's come to my attention that I have barely been posting on here - the last time I made an entry was Christmas Eve. I've had plenty to talk about but no opportunities to put them into a blog entry. I don't think I'm going to bother talking about everything that's happened since Christmas though. I just don't feel like it.

But I will say that yesterday I had my second Aspire appointment of the year: I'm having one to one sessions with my key worker instead of group sessions like I did in November and December, and already I think the one to ones are a lot better for me. My key worker helped me identify a barrier that is stopping me from trying new things, and that barrier contains individual aspects that affect me in different ways like self esteem, anxiety, depression, compare and despair, negative experiences of social situations (bullying) gender… those sorts of things. Compare and despair is a thing I do where I compare myself to people who I feel are getting further in life than me, then look at myself and feel much more inferior than I already did. In yesterday's meeting I felt happy and could almost see a future in sight for me, or at least a tiny glimmer of hope, but that feeling never seems to last for long. When I get home I don't receive the same level of support as I do at Aspire, and it makes me feel stuck. I feel like a dead weight who either does the same thing every week and spends too much money or never leaves the house.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to feel weak and fragile and like I'm bleeding out every single day to the extent where I literally have to drag myself home from town to recuperate, I want to feel like a normal person. I want to feel human.

Where's Gary? I need to talk to him.

I wish I was a kitten. I'd never have to worry about the things I already worry about ever again. Or I just want to be aged backwards. All that would matter to me is cuddles from my mum. But really, I still feel like that's the case. I'm nearly 20 years old and I don't want to be, because I'm getting closer to feeling like I'm going to die. My life is full of confusing deadlines and appointments and I just want it to stop. Where's the pause button? Where do I go when everything's paused? Where's Gary?

Please help

pokemon X update!

So yesterday I was listening to Beyoncé's new album and playing Pokémon, and I found a shiny Dugtrio!



I think this is more than a coincidence. I think Queen Bey blessed my game with a shiny Pokemon!

return of the roughnecks

Placebo turned out to be great last week, and after the concert I made a cool new friend at the bus stop called Sinead aka love-cat on Tumblr! I wore my new leopard print coat with disco pants and a silvery top, and the support band was Toy who supported The Horrors both times I went to see them. They're really going up in the world, aren't they? Bo Ningen, who supported The Horrors in May last year, are supposed to be supporting The Cult sometime this year or the next. I don't remember when. But I can tell you that Bo Ningen are a great band!

Anyway, I am writing this on the train on my AwesomeNote app for me to paste into a blog post later. I'm coming back home from Manchester, because last night I went to see Chameleons Vox! My mum bought me the tickets as a Christmas present, and it was a great Christmas present!
So yesterday I woke up at about 11-ish and got ready to go out. My mum and I drove to Kings Norton train station to get the train to Birmingham New Street, where we got another train to Manchester Piccadilly station. A sudden influx of loud, raucous White Cishet Males getting on the train put a bit of a dampener on our journey, but they got off at Stockport and a sigh of relief could be heard from all over the world. At the train station I bought a chocolate bar and waited for a taxi with my mum. The taxi would drop me off at the Ritz, then take my mum to the Sportcity Travelodge.

When I got to the Ritz I put my coat and my copy of Script of the Bridge (which was in the bag I bought from the David a Bowie Is exhibition) in the cloakroom - which is all the way downstairs ugh - and the venue wasn't filled up yet so I copped a space at the barrier. What I find annoying about the bar at the Ritz is that they don't do straws, so when I was drinking my drink my black lipstick ended up being smudged at the corners and I looked like the Crow :/ The support band came on at 7:30pm. They were a two-piece acoustic guitar band called The Terrapins and I didn't really think much of them. I got complimented on my appearance quite a lot, which is funny because I probably would have blended right in if this was, say, 1983 or 1985.
Chameleons Vox came on at 8:30pm and they were amazing! The first song they played was Swamp Thing, which is probably one of their most well-known songs, but it wasn't until they played Looking Inwardly that the crowd really went mad. At one point a guy behind me was grabbing onto my shoulder AND MY HAIR, which really annoyed me. Do not put your hands into my precious hair that it takes me at least an hour to perfect!! He's lucky he went home without so much as a boot in the balls from yours truly. But anyway, Mark Burgess's voice has really held up well! Hearing songs like Second Skin, Here Today and Monkeyland live is an experience like no other. I would definitely go to see Chameleons Vox again, and I recommend it highly!




Just before the encore I quickly slipped out to pick up my record and my coat from the cloakroom and came back up just in time to hear the familiar opening chords of The Fan and the Bellows, which is one of the songs that was played in the encore. The others were Don't Fall (which is one of my favourite songs from Script of the Bridge) and another one I don't remember. After it all ended I went outside for a bit and talked to somebody I know from Only After Dark and Zombie Club who came up all the way from Birmingham as well, then I went back inside again. Mark Burgess was signing stuff by the merchandise stand! That's kind of why I took my record out of the cloakroom. I spent a good minute standing there like a Wally while people were having stuff signed and their photos taken with Mark Burgess, and I was still having a situation about being stood mere feet away from one of the most influential yet criminally underrated post-punk musicians of all time. Soon it was my turn and I forgot how to function like a normal human being! I got my Script of the Bridge vinyl out of the bag, blabbering some rubbish about a 'blast from the past', and Mark asked me if I wanted the front or the back signed, so I said the front. Then I took a photo with Mark on my phone and thanked him for the concert and told him it was the best Christmas present ever, and he said he was really glad and also he liked my deathhawk! Sorry that was a bit rushed, I'm still having a bit of a situation about it over 12 hours later!


I got a taxi to the Sportcity Travelodge to meet my mum, and I sat down with her at the hotel bar and we both had a JD and Coke each. I showed her my signed album and she recognised it as the one she'd gotten me for my birthday this year. The very same!
I woke up this morning at about 6 something with a lump in my throat and an empty tummy, so my mum said I could get dressed and see what time breakfast starts at the hotel. I had a bowl of Coco Pops to start off with, and then I had a second breakfast of scrambled eggs, beans, bacon and sausages. Everything got cold quickly except the sausages, but it was really nice!

When I felt filled-up enough I went back up to the hotel room I was sharing with my mum and had a lie down. Then we got a train to Piccadilly Station, where I bought a desperately needed new eyeliner, and another one to Birmingham New Street, which is the one I'm on now [at the time of writing]. It's calling at my destination soon!
Tomorrow I'm going to buy my sister a Christmas present and see if I can pick up a parcel from the Kings Norton post office.

mermaids

I've just bought a new coat! It's faux fur leopard print and it's very soft and I can hide inside it sometimes. It was £35 and I'm glad I could afford it today! I think I'm going to wear it to Placebo tomorrow with disco pants and the silvery top from Select!

The picture's aren't very good, but what do you expect from a Windows 7 webcam?

I've been playing Pokemon X a lot for the past two months, and I've finished the game already! I've caught Xerneas and Mewtwo but no shinies yet. How does a simple pleb like me catch a shiny? Wow, let me tell you. Catching Mewtwo was a real rollercoaster! I killed him on the first go but luckily I'd saved just before I went into Unknown Dungeon, so I got another go at trying to catch him. I hit him with a few dark-type moves before I finally got him down to red, and I threw 5 Ultra Balls, a Timer Ball and my last Ultra Ball at him before he finally got caught! I'm really proud of myself and my mum is proud of me too.
Also I bought Push The Sky Away by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, which I've also listened to on Spotify so I know I like it enough to buy the full album. I just wish I had more space for albums, because there's lots of space on my phone but barely any on the old MacBook I use for iTunes! :( This makes me really sad :( I wish there wasn't the recession so we could afford things. I feel constricted all the time, oh no!

The Damned was lots of fun. I got there later than usual without trying to get to the front and left earlier in order to take it easy, and by leaving early it meant I could get my train and bus home in time without missing anything! I'd had a bad anxiety the day before and I was crying a lot. The day after The Damned my mum noticed I seemed a lot more relaxed and because of that she was glad I took it easy.
I think everything might be catching up with me soon.
God, I feel so worn and tired and restless all of the time! Too much excitement can take its toll on a tiny child. Please let me have infinity rest days where I can still get dressed up and have fun without that 'all dressed up and nowhere to go' feeling!

I'm very annoyed with cis people a lot of the time.

the critical distance

Last night the world lost another important figure of the latter half of the 20th century; former president of South Africa and anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela. Tributes have been pouring in left right and centre, but what I find really takes the cake is Etonian scum David Cameron having the nerve to cry crocodile tears for Madiba on Twitter when nearly 25 years ago he was campaigning for him to be hanged. I'm just glad Mandela outlived Thatcher, who as we all know also left this mortal coil back in April of this year. Rest in Power, Nelson Mandela. You will be missed.

Speaking of deaths, my granny Nellie also died on Sunday. She had a very long and happy life, unfortunately marred in her later months by leukaemia, and my mum and my sister both went to Ireland on Monday for the funeral on Wednesday. They came back yesterday. I've missed them both so much. During that period I stayed at my Grandad's house. Everyone is leaving so quickly. I don't want to lose my Grandad yet.
I'm seeing The Damned in concert tonight. Another long trip to Wolverhampton. I fear I might not have enough money for the cloakroom, as it's just occurred to me I'll have to put my coat in there. I also may need money for a taxi back from New Street station at the end of the night. I'm so nervous and I need to talk to my mum. Next week is Placebo, then Chameleons Vox the week after that.

I still haven't got round to talking about when I saw Gary Numan last month on here! What I will say is that the gig was amazing and Gary is so lovely and I miss him a lot. I really don't have the heart to go into every single tiny detail. I feel upset that I couldn't enjoy the Numa Bar afterparty for long enough, because Gary's wife Gemma came to visit some time after I left. I'm really upset that I missed her! I've always wanted to meet Gemma. I feel like the worst fan in the world.

I'm still trying to become a human. Luckily I get help with that at Aspire and from my mum as well, but I still feel like I'll never really be stable and happy. There's so much anxiety building up in me day in and day out, and it frightens me because it threatens to ruin my life by making me so frightened that I consider staying in bed instead of going to concerts by bands I enjoy. I still constantly feel like a benefit leech who will never amount to anything in society and is doomed to be unemployed and alone and forgotten. But then I remind myself, I have a support network of people to help me get through my life without suddenly turning into a child, and I get money every two weeks to make sure I am stable financially. But I keep spending it on clothes and makeup and shit I just don't need. "How dare those poor people have the same luxuries as us! How dare they even have shoes on their feet!" It just makes me want to cry, because one day I know I will be so poor that I won't be able to look after myself at all, and if I even do so much as treat myself to a nice meal or a television they will be at my throat with their accusations and their class rage. All I want is to have not been born like this. All I want is to be human.

EDIT: posted video

fast times at nottingham rock city ft. gary numan!

I just got back from Nottingham earlier! I had a great time and I'm going to write everything up now.

I had a bit of a kerfuffle with my hair this morning, which made me a bit weepy and upset, but my mum calmed me down with hot chocolate and soft words. We left the house at 1pm, and I brought my new holographic clutch bag from Select, and I kepy my cigarettes, a copy of Splinter, the print-out of the confirmation email, a Sharpie and some Illamasqua lipstick. The drive from Birmingham to Nottingham was about an hour and a half, but it took us an extra ten minutes to get there because my mum got lost.





We got to Nottingham Rock City at about 2:45pm, and my sister walked me up to the venue and made sure I was ok. I waited until about 3:30pm, which was when Ade Fenton came out to give us our VIP laminates and CDs (Big G from the crew wasn't feeling well). I wasn't expecting Ade Fenton! He's lovely.



Ade led us into this lounge-y part of the venue with lots of comfy chairs and a massive picture of a lady's bum in black underwear on the wall, and he gave us envelopes with all the VIP stuff in, and then he went to fetch Gary. This time, the laminates were on a lanyard which made me feel all fancy and official. Then Gary came out and I nearly died!!! I know I've met him before but it was still uwaaaaah. It's still really weird that he's actually really real and I was in the same room as him AGAIN!!
I was the first person to talk to Gary. I asked him to sign my Splinter CD, which he did, and told him about my tattoo idea, which is to get his signature on my arm. He wrote his signature on my arm and in two different sizes on the folded up bit of paper I had with me, and I decided that the smallest one would be best, so I think I'm going to keep the one on my arm as a temporary thing until I get it tattooed. Then I gave him the flower crown I made and told him he could give it to one of his daughters and if he wanted to try it on first. He said no because then someone would take a picture and it'd get on Twitter and he'd look like a cunt (in his own words!) but he was really lovely about it, and he said he'd give it to his youngest daughter Echo. Then we had a picture together and he gave me a hug and I went to sit down feeling like a wibbly wobbly happy ghostie! I took some pictures and then talked to Ade Fenton for a bit.

Me and lovely Gary! I look funny.


Gary's signature on my arm ft. bracelet imprints and gross self-harm scars (ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ

At about 4pm Ade told us that the soundcheck would be starting soon, so I went to give Gary another hug and he kissed my cheek!!!!! I wasn't expecting that!!!!! He didn't do that last time I met him!!!!! I am still getting all wibbly over it now!!!! I love Gary Numan so much~!!!!!!!!!
We all went upstairs to the main hall where the soundcheck was starting, and I went to the barrier bit and watched the soundcheck. I waved hello to Tim the cute bassist a lot and he said hello back!

1. Pure
2. The Calling
3. My Last Day
4. Love Hurt Bleed

The set-up looks great! I can't wait to see it again in Wolverhampton.


The soundcheck finished at about quarter to five and everyone left. I told Ade Fenton I wouldn't be at the concert tonight but I was coming to Wolverhampton, and he said 'super!' and I very sneakily bought a t-shirt from the merch stand.
I texted my mum to let her know the sound check had finished and suddenly my phone lost all of its 28% battery while I was taking a photo of a Chameleons Vox poster. When my mum's car pulled up outside Rock City she told me she'd been to Tesco's and bought me a Cadbury's Screme Egg, some gluten free white chocolate and cranberry biscuits and a Cadbury's crunchy spider! I slept for a bit in the back of the car and woke up when we got back home.

I didn't go see Thor 2 yesterday because I felt very tired and leaden so I think I'll go tomorrow. I'm going to wear my new Splinter t-shirt!