pokemon X update!

So yesterday I was listening to Beyoncé's new album and playing Pokémon, and I found a shiny Dugtrio!



I think this is more than a coincidence. I think Queen Bey blessed my game with a shiny Pokemon!

return of the roughnecks

Placebo turned out to be great last week, and after the concert I made a cool new friend at the bus stop called Sinead aka love-cat on Tumblr! I wore my new leopard print coat with disco pants and a silvery top, and the support band was Toy who supported The Horrors both times I went to see them. They're really going up in the world, aren't they? Bo Ningen, who supported The Horrors in May last year, are supposed to be supporting The Cult sometime this year or the next. I don't remember when. But I can tell you that Bo Ningen are a great band!

Anyway, I am writing this on the train on my AwesomeNote app for me to paste into a blog post later. I'm coming back home from Manchester, because last night I went to see Chameleons Vox! My mum bought me the tickets as a Christmas present, and it was a great Christmas present!
So yesterday I woke up at about 11-ish and got ready to go out. My mum and I drove to Kings Norton train station to get the train to Birmingham New Street, where we got another train to Manchester Piccadilly station. A sudden influx of loud, raucous White Cishet Males getting on the train put a bit of a dampener on our journey, but they got off at Stockport and a sigh of relief could be heard from all over the world. At the train station I bought a chocolate bar and waited for a taxi with my mum. The taxi would drop me off at the Ritz, then take my mum to the Sportcity Travelodge.

When I got to the Ritz I put my coat and my copy of Script of the Bridge (which was in the bag I bought from the David a Bowie Is exhibition) in the cloakroom - which is all the way downstairs ugh - and the venue wasn't filled up yet so I copped a space at the barrier. What I find annoying about the bar at the Ritz is that they don't do straws, so when I was drinking my drink my black lipstick ended up being smudged at the corners and I looked like the Crow :/ The support band came on at 7:30pm. They were a two-piece acoustic guitar band called The Terrapins and I didn't really think much of them. I got complimented on my appearance quite a lot, which is funny because I probably would have blended right in if this was, say, 1983 or 1985.
Chameleons Vox came on at 8:30pm and they were amazing! The first song they played was Swamp Thing, which is probably one of their most well-known songs, but it wasn't until they played Looking Inwardly that the crowd really went mad. At one point a guy behind me was grabbing onto my shoulder AND MY HAIR, which really annoyed me. Do not put your hands into my precious hair that it takes me at least an hour to perfect!! He's lucky he went home without so much as a boot in the balls from yours truly. But anyway, Mark Burgess's voice has really held up well! Hearing songs like Second Skin, Here Today and Monkeyland live is an experience like no other. I would definitely go to see Chameleons Vox again, and I recommend it highly!




Just before the encore I quickly slipped out to pick up my record and my coat from the cloakroom and came back up just in time to hear the familiar opening chords of The Fan and the Bellows, which is one of the songs that was played in the encore. The others were Don't Fall (which is one of my favourite songs from Script of the Bridge) and another one I don't remember. After it all ended I went outside for a bit and talked to somebody I know from Only After Dark and Zombie Club who came up all the way from Birmingham as well, then I went back inside again. Mark Burgess was signing stuff by the merchandise stand! That's kind of why I took my record out of the cloakroom. I spent a good minute standing there like a Wally while people were having stuff signed and their photos taken with Mark Burgess, and I was still having a situation about being stood mere feet away from one of the most influential yet criminally underrated post-punk musicians of all time. Soon it was my turn and I forgot how to function like a normal human being! I got my Script of the Bridge vinyl out of the bag, blabbering some rubbish about a 'blast from the past', and Mark asked me if I wanted the front or the back signed, so I said the front. Then I took a photo with Mark on my phone and thanked him for the concert and told him it was the best Christmas present ever, and he said he was really glad and also he liked my deathhawk! Sorry that was a bit rushed, I'm still having a bit of a situation about it over 12 hours later!


I got a taxi to the Sportcity Travelodge to meet my mum, and I sat down with her at the hotel bar and we both had a JD and Coke each. I showed her my signed album and she recognised it as the one she'd gotten me for my birthday this year. The very same!
I woke up this morning at about 6 something with a lump in my throat and an empty tummy, so my mum said I could get dressed and see what time breakfast starts at the hotel. I had a bowl of Coco Pops to start off with, and then I had a second breakfast of scrambled eggs, beans, bacon and sausages. Everything got cold quickly except the sausages, but it was really nice!

When I felt filled-up enough I went back up to the hotel room I was sharing with my mum and had a lie down. Then we got a train to Piccadilly Station, where I bought a desperately needed new eyeliner, and another one to Birmingham New Street, which is the one I'm on now [at the time of writing]. It's calling at my destination soon!
Tomorrow I'm going to buy my sister a Christmas present and see if I can pick up a parcel from the Kings Norton post office.

mermaids

I've just bought a new coat! It's faux fur leopard print and it's very soft and I can hide inside it sometimes. It was £35 and I'm glad I could afford it today! I think I'm going to wear it to Placebo tomorrow with disco pants and the silvery top from Select!

The picture's aren't very good, but what do you expect from a Windows 7 webcam?

I've been playing Pokemon X a lot for the past two months, and I've finished the game already! I've caught Xerneas and Mewtwo but no shinies yet. How does a simple pleb like me catch a shiny? Wow, let me tell you. Catching Mewtwo was a real rollercoaster! I killed him on the first go but luckily I'd saved just before I went into Unknown Dungeon, so I got another go at trying to catch him. I hit him with a few dark-type moves before I finally got him down to red, and I threw 5 Ultra Balls, a Timer Ball and my last Ultra Ball at him before he finally got caught! I'm really proud of myself and my mum is proud of me too.
Also I bought Push The Sky Away by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, which I've also listened to on Spotify so I know I like it enough to buy the full album. I just wish I had more space for albums, because there's lots of space on my phone but barely any on the old MacBook I use for iTunes! :( This makes me really sad :( I wish there wasn't the recession so we could afford things. I feel constricted all the time, oh no!

The Damned was lots of fun. I got there later than usual without trying to get to the front and left earlier in order to take it easy, and by leaving early it meant I could get my train and bus home in time without missing anything! I'd had a bad anxiety the day before and I was crying a lot. The day after The Damned my mum noticed I seemed a lot more relaxed and because of that she was glad I took it easy.
I think everything might be catching up with me soon.
God, I feel so worn and tired and restless all of the time! Too much excitement can take its toll on a tiny child. Please let me have infinity rest days where I can still get dressed up and have fun without that 'all dressed up and nowhere to go' feeling!

I'm very annoyed with cis people a lot of the time.

the critical distance

Last night the world lost another important figure of the latter half of the 20th century; former president of South Africa and anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela. Tributes have been pouring in left right and centre, but what I find really takes the cake is Etonian scum David Cameron having the nerve to cry crocodile tears for Madiba on Twitter when nearly 25 years ago he was campaigning for him to be hanged. I'm just glad Mandela outlived Thatcher, who as we all know also left this mortal coil back in April of this year. Rest in Power, Nelson Mandela. You will be missed.

Speaking of deaths, my granny Nellie also died on Sunday. She had a very long and happy life, unfortunately marred in her later months by leukaemia, and my mum and my sister both went to Ireland on Monday for the funeral on Wednesday. They came back yesterday. I've missed them both so much. During that period I stayed at my Grandad's house. Everyone is leaving so quickly. I don't want to lose my Grandad yet.
I'm seeing The Damned in concert tonight. Another long trip to Wolverhampton. I fear I might not have enough money for the cloakroom, as it's just occurred to me I'll have to put my coat in there. I also may need money for a taxi back from New Street station at the end of the night. I'm so nervous and I need to talk to my mum. Next week is Placebo, then Chameleons Vox the week after that.

I still haven't got round to talking about when I saw Gary Numan last month on here! What I will say is that the gig was amazing and Gary is so lovely and I miss him a lot. I really don't have the heart to go into every single tiny detail. I feel upset that I couldn't enjoy the Numa Bar afterparty for long enough, because Gary's wife Gemma came to visit some time after I left. I'm really upset that I missed her! I've always wanted to meet Gemma. I feel like the worst fan in the world.

I'm still trying to become a human. Luckily I get help with that at Aspire and from my mum as well, but I still feel like I'll never really be stable and happy. There's so much anxiety building up in me day in and day out, and it frightens me because it threatens to ruin my life by making me so frightened that I consider staying in bed instead of going to concerts by bands I enjoy. I still constantly feel like a benefit leech who will never amount to anything in society and is doomed to be unemployed and alone and forgotten. But then I remind myself, I have a support network of people to help me get through my life without suddenly turning into a child, and I get money every two weeks to make sure I am stable financially. But I keep spending it on clothes and makeup and shit I just don't need. "How dare those poor people have the same luxuries as us! How dare they even have shoes on their feet!" It just makes me want to cry, because one day I know I will be so poor that I won't be able to look after myself at all, and if I even do so much as treat myself to a nice meal or a television they will be at my throat with their accusations and their class rage. All I want is to have not been born like this. All I want is to be human.

EDIT: posted video

fast times at nottingham rock city ft. gary numan!

I just got back from Nottingham earlier! I had a great time and I'm going to write everything up now.

I had a bit of a kerfuffle with my hair this morning, which made me a bit weepy and upset, but my mum calmed me down with hot chocolate and soft words. We left the house at 1pm, and I brought my new holographic clutch bag from Select, and I kepy my cigarettes, a copy of Splinter, the print-out of the confirmation email, a Sharpie and some Illamasqua lipstick. The drive from Birmingham to Nottingham was about an hour and a half, but it took us an extra ten minutes to get there because my mum got lost.





We got to Nottingham Rock City at about 2:45pm, and my sister walked me up to the venue and made sure I was ok. I waited until about 3:30pm, which was when Ade Fenton came out to give us our VIP laminates and CDs (Big G from the crew wasn't feeling well). I wasn't expecting Ade Fenton! He's lovely.



Ade led us into this lounge-y part of the venue with lots of comfy chairs and a massive picture of a lady's bum in black underwear on the wall, and he gave us envelopes with all the VIP stuff in, and then he went to fetch Gary. This time, the laminates were on a lanyard which made me feel all fancy and official. Then Gary came out and I nearly died!!! I know I've met him before but it was still uwaaaaah. It's still really weird that he's actually really real and I was in the same room as him AGAIN!!
I was the first person to talk to Gary. I asked him to sign my Splinter CD, which he did, and told him about my tattoo idea, which is to get his signature on my arm. He wrote his signature on my arm and in two different sizes on the folded up bit of paper I had with me, and I decided that the smallest one would be best, so I think I'm going to keep the one on my arm as a temporary thing until I get it tattooed. Then I gave him the flower crown I made and told him he could give it to one of his daughters and if he wanted to try it on first. He said no because then someone would take a picture and it'd get on Twitter and he'd look like a cunt (in his own words!) but he was really lovely about it, and he said he'd give it to his youngest daughter Echo. Then we had a picture together and he gave me a hug and I went to sit down feeling like a wibbly wobbly happy ghostie! I took some pictures and then talked to Ade Fenton for a bit.

Me and lovely Gary! I look funny.


Gary's signature on my arm ft. bracelet imprints and gross self-harm scars (ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ

At about 4pm Ade told us that the soundcheck would be starting soon, so I went to give Gary another hug and he kissed my cheek!!!!! I wasn't expecting that!!!!! He didn't do that last time I met him!!!!! I am still getting all wibbly over it now!!!! I love Gary Numan so much~!!!!!!!!!
We all went upstairs to the main hall where the soundcheck was starting, and I went to the barrier bit and watched the soundcheck. I waved hello to Tim the cute bassist a lot and he said hello back!

1. Pure
2. The Calling
3. My Last Day
4. Love Hurt Bleed

The set-up looks great! I can't wait to see it again in Wolverhampton.


The soundcheck finished at about quarter to five and everyone left. I told Ade Fenton I wouldn't be at the concert tonight but I was coming to Wolverhampton, and he said 'super!' and I very sneakily bought a t-shirt from the merch stand.
I texted my mum to let her know the sound check had finished and suddenly my phone lost all of its 28% battery while I was taking a photo of a Chameleons Vox poster. When my mum's car pulled up outside Rock City she told me she'd been to Tesco's and bought me a Cadbury's Screme Egg, some gluten free white chocolate and cranberry biscuits and a Cadbury's crunchy spider! I slept for a bit in the back of the car and woke up when we got back home.

I didn't go see Thor 2 yesterday because I felt very tired and leaden so I think I'll go tomorrow. I'm going to wear my new Splinter t-shirt!

black taxi

Lou Reed died two weeks ago. I am still very sad. The day after it happened I was going to the cafe at Cadbury World, and I put on Fistful of Love by Antony and the Johnsons and nearly cried. Nothing's ever going to be the same.

I've been waiting for a very long time, and now tomorrow is the day I go down to Nottingham for the afternoon to go to the Gary Numan meet and greet! I'm incredibly nervous but also sort of excited. It'll be the second time I've met him but I'm going on my own as opposed to with a friend, so I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to act. Help!!!! I really hope I don't cock things up!!!! I bought a holographic clutch bag with a chain strap from Select the other day. I'm going to use it for days when my starry bag is too big and my leopard print bag is too small, like tomorrow. So far I can keep a copy of Splinter and a handmade flower crown in it. I'm going to wear the furry coat I wore last time.
Now that it's come up to A/W there's lots of really cool things in the shops! I like all the tartan things, all the black and sparkles, everything! I swear I only ever look my best during the autumn and the winter. It's probably because I have an opportunity to wear my much nicer clothes.

On Thursday I fell asleep and woke up at quarter to ten with an unexplainable urge to listen to Kylie Minogue so, uh... that happened. She's got a song called Some Kind of Bliss that was written for her by James Dean Bradfield and Sean Moore from the Manic Street Preachers, and it's really good! Apparently she performed the song live with them once, and the recording of it is really rare and sought-after.

I really cannot think of anything else to write here. But I will say I'm planning on seeing Thor 2 in the cinemas next week!

tears on tape

I've just gotten back from the HIM concert in Wolverhampton and it was absolutely amazingly mind-blowing! I will write up an account now before I go to bed~

At about ten past four - maybe later - I left the house to catch a bus to New Street Station, where I bought a small tea of Cadbury's Buttons and chocolate Frijj, seeing as I'd forgotten to eat again before I went out. I got on a train to Liverpool that was stopping at Wolverhampton on the way, which made its usual stops in Smethwick. When the train pulled in to Wolverhampton station I began to make my way towards the venue, getting there at about quarter to six.
Not long afterward I found out the concert had been moved from the Civic to the Wulfrun, which was fine by me. I went to queue up outside for about an hour and a bit, which was quite annoying because it was so windy and rainy. At 6:50, the doors opened and everyone went inside, and I managed to get a space a row away from the front! I literally did not move for the entire night.
I was a bit skeeved out by the lanky-ass boys around me with their hands around their girlfriends' waists from behind, and I'm pretty sure one boy was dry-humping his girlfriend at one point. It was really quite off-putting. But there was a cool girl next to me who had a massive Polaroid camera in her bag, and she said she'd got it off eBay for £30! We exchanged Tumblr URLs, and I've just found out her name's Yasmin!
The support act was a band called Caspian from Massachusetts. Their set was entirely instrumental and quite shoegazey, somewhat in a similar vein to 65daysofstatic, and they went down really well! Their music was a sort of heavy brand of shoegaze, and two words that came into my head while I was watching them were 'post-rock'. I knew literally nothing about them until tonight, but I'm so glad that I finally do!
HIM came on at about 9:15-ish. They used Unleash the Red, one of the instrumental interludes from Tears on Tape, as an intro, then opened with All Lips Go Blue, and in that moment I remembered why I love them so much! They were on top form and Ville Valo was very engaging and smiley throughout the whole night. They also played songs like Join Me In Death, Buried Alive By Love, Passion's Killing Floor and Soul on Fire! At one point someone threw a thong on stage, and Ville hung it up on his microphone stand. For the encore they played Sleepwalking Past Hope, which is a 10-minute experimental opus from their 2007 album Venus Doom. I slipped out near towards the end to see if I could try and meet Ville Valo, but after a few minutes of waiting I decided to make my way home.
On my way to the train station I dropped in at the Numa Bar, which is a Gary Numan themed bar opposite the Civic Hall. I ordered a Mixed Fruit Kopparberg which I drank within a matter of seconds as I was very thirsty, then quickly left to get either a taxi or the train back home. Luckily enough, I was just in time to get the last train back to Birmingham, which was at 11:21! When I arrived back in Birmingham, I got a taxi from the station to my house, and here I am now, writing all this up.

I think that tonight has been a very successful and enjoyable night, despite all previous worries. My next concert is Gary Numan at the same venue in a month's time, so I think it might be time to start playing his new album ad nauseam! Well, not really nauseam - you can never get nauseam of Gary Numan!

Besides from HIM I've also been listening to Purity Ring's album Shrines, and various music from the anime franchise Neon Genesis Evangelion.

trapped in autumn

Oh my! It appears I haven't updated this blog in well over two months! Right now I am going to fix that by filling you all in on everything that has happened since the beginning of August!

AUGUST
On the 3rd I went to Galway in Ireland with my mum and my sister to visit my family on my Dad's side. My favourite part of going to Galway is always seeing my cousins Aoife and Gareth, going to Salthill, shopping in Eyre Square, and making delicious gooey chocolate brownies! I couldn't bring my tweezers or my hairspray or my metal comb since it was a hand-luggage flight, which did put a bit of a dampener on things, but I could easily find those things in Ireland. We went to see Monsters University as a family, which was my first time seeing it not on my own, and I'm really glad that everyone enjoyed it because it's a great film! I brought home a scarf, a sleeveless fringed leather jacket (I later cut the fringes off) and a lacy top which I like to wear underneath tops! Because I was going on holiday I missed Zombie Club, which was a bit of a shame.
My second-to-last gender counselling appointment was also this month. Professor Oyebode says that he may be able to refer me directly to a gender identity clinic if everything goes well! I'm feeling really excited and optimistic about the future, as long as it involves transitioning. I'm very excited for that! I also had cyber bite piercings done, which I'm really proud of, and started listening to the podcast Welcome to Night Vale. I can't really think what else happened in August unless I look in my Tumblr archive.

SEPTEMBER
A year ago I'd have been going back to college by now, but this wasn't the case, so I've had to find things to do to occupy my time! I've been going to the cafe at Cadbury World to drink hot chocolate, walking around Kings Norton and the city centre, and going to Aspire meetings in Five Ways. Aspire is a training scheme I've started recently to help me gain confidence and renew my social + communication skills, and also help me towards employment. I also got a new 64GB iPhone 4S, giving me more space for music and apps, and I updated it to iOS 7 not long afterwards. Zombie Club was at the Moseley Arms that month, and I enjoyed it a lot there! It was the club night's 4th birthday and there were cupcakes with spooky plastic rings inside. I got a spider ring!
This month has also consisted of really cool and interesting television. I've watched Bates Motel, Peaky Blinders and Breaking Bad, which has already ended in America. I'm catching up with all my friends and I'm nearly finished with season 2! My favourite thing about Breaking Bad is Aaron Paul's character Jesse Pinkman. I want to make him hot chocolate and tuck him into bed because he needs someone to be really really nice to him. I also started playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf! I bought a second-hand copy at GAME in town, dug out an old 3DS, charged it up and erased the previous save data. I'm really enjoying it a lot, and I play it every chance I get.
The new Manic Street Preachers album, Rewind the Film, also came out this month. It's an amazing album, and I must say it's got to be the best thing that the Manics have made since the start of the 21st century. I couldn't stop listening to it when it first came out, especially leading up to the concert in Manchester!

The concert itself was amazing too. I got the train up to Manchester with my mum, then got a taxi to the Ritz. The queue stretched out all the way to the local Sainsbury's! When I got in, I bought a t-shirt and a whiskey and coke. The support act was Public Service Broadcasting, who I didn't get to enjoy properly because I was quite anxious, but they were really good. They sample pieces of dialogue from old public information films from the 1940s and use it in their music. By the time they came off I was quite shaky and weepy but when the Manics came on everything was better, and I immediately became euphoric and happy. I got squashed up to the front as soon as they started to play Motorcycle Emptiness, which was the first song in the set! They also played songs like Sleepflower, Revol, The Everlasting and You Love Us, as well as lots of songs from Rewind the Film as well. At one point a heart sticker on Nicky's face came off so it looked like he we wearing a dangly earring! I nearly cried ever such a lot during both Rewind the Film and As Holy as The Soil (That Buries Your Skin), which is supposed to be about Richey. I love you so won't you please come home? After the concert I went outside to wait to meet Nicky, and bought another t-shirt for a fiver - it says 'Motorcycle Emptiness' on the front and I'm wearing it now - but then I decided to leave to meet my mum at Sainsburys. The hotel we stayed at overnight was the Ancoats Road Travelodge, which was actually really nice.
The next morning I wore my new Manics t-shirt and me and my mum got a train back to Birmingham, but not before coming across the National StreetPass event in Piccadilly Station and getting my photo taken with a giant Pikachu!

I also bought a gluten free ham salad sandwich from M&S, which turned out to be not great because I had to pick out all the veggies and salad, and also it had mustard in it.

OCTOBER
That's this month!
It's started off quite well. The new Gary Numan album, Splinter (Songs from a Broken Mind) came out this week - I pre-ordered it beforehand and received it two days before its official UK release date!!! - and it's undoubtedly the best thing he's ever done. I've also started listening to HIM again regularly to prepare myself for their concert on Monday, and I can't believe I forgot how good they are! I've been going to town a lot regularly and taking my 3DS with me, picking up cool things on StreetPass, and buying cute + cool autumn and winter clothes.

That's all I can think of for a general sum-up of the last two months so far!

I think that autumn is going to be all about matte lips! I've recently bought some matte lip creams on my travels into the city centre, and I really like them and hope to be wearing them regularly! The Matte Me collection by Sleek Makeup is very good, I own Fandango Purple and Rioja Red, which I'm wearing right now. Rioja Red is also a good substitute for Lime Crime Velvetines, apparently. Topshop's makeup range have also released some 'Velvet Lips' products. They're a series of lip creams in three colours - purple, dark red and black(!!). The black one has tiny sparkles in it as well, and I can see myself wearing it very regularly! These matte lip creams do dry out my lips quite a bit, so I'll have to start putting on lip balm beforehand~

Top 5 Albums of 2013 In No Particular Order:

• David Bowie - The Next Day
• Gary Numan - Splinter (Songs from a Broken Mind)
• Manic Street Preachers - Rewind the Film
• Kanye West - Yeezus
• HIM - Tears on Tape

the lake

It's really scary being me. I have to walk on eggshells in life so that I won't see things that make my heart drop and sink, I always worry about upsetting and disappointing those closest to me, I never speak up about issues that are important to me anymore because people will try to shut me down and tell me I NEED HELP because I'm not racist what a freak and they belittle me because I'm young and I'm not cis or straight and all those things, I feel emotionally distant from those who love and support and care for me, I rely on my funny music taste to keep me alive, I always feel scared of bad days or bad points in otherwise good days in case tiny things make me collapse and break into bits and cut my arms up, I even get scared to leave the house sometimes because I'm a very small person wandering alone in a big bad world, even though I don't like staying in the house in my pyjamas for days on end, I resort to retail therapy to fill empty spaces in my life, I feel like a constant inconvenience to everybody around me and that people feel obliged to put up with me, I don't have a dad to turn to when my mum is busy or not around, I was born with something wrong in my brain which means I find it hard to understand people and myself and the world around me, I feel dependent on my single parent for emotional and financial and any kind of support and I can't leave because I wouldn't get hugs every day or have someone to gently take hold of my hands when they don't feel safe, I get scared I'm going to have a massive breakdown like Richey Edwards and have to go to the hospital and then get out only to find I'm not better and then disappear somehow, I feel uncomfortable in my own body because it is not a body that suits me, I'm scared of myself I hate being myself I don't want to be myself.

But I don't want to die.

If I died, people would finally be free to say all sorts of horrible things about me. They would confirm the fears I have had about myself all along, they would say what they've always wanted to say for weeks, months, even years maybe. They'd refer to me with female pronouns and say all the sorts of things that those people on the IMOC said about me last time I was there. But my family would be even more broken, my leaving wouldn't fix the gap left by my father.
I'm scared and broken and constantly coming apart at the seams and I don't want to break into little bits. I want to be fixed and I want to feel whole and secure.

meow baby kitten

On Saturday I bought a black dip hem skirt to wear on top of my ripped jeans and today I wire it out to the cinema. I might have walked home upset because I couldn't afford loose trousers for the summer but it was nice to feel the fabric of the skirt billowing behind me in the breeze. I felt magical despite the bad things! I have a problem where I go to town and spend a lot of money and then get scared to look at my bank account afterwards. I'm a shopaholic and it's not good for me because I'm not rich. I wish I was rich so I could go on my spending sprees and not get anxious, and also afford Rick Owens menswear and Givenchy and Maison Martin Margiela and everybody. You can say what you like about Givenchy under the direction of Riccardo Tisci, but I really liked the AW 13/14 collection because of the performance by Antony and the Johnsons. I want to see Antony and the Johnsons live one day.
I'm getting bored and restless all the time. The living room is being redecorated and everything has been moved into the conservatory and the granny flat. I was hoping the granny flat could be my safe space to make up for not being able to go into the shed outside the art room anymore. But it's all crowded so I spend most of my time in my room in my bed feeling safe.

I like a song called Lofticries by Purity Ring, even though I find the lyrics in the chorus to be a bit repetitive.

I need to buy a glue gun do I can make flower crowns for people. I've made one for Liv and I've made one for Gary Numan, and I've still got some headbands left over and some new flowers. Would anyone else want a flower crown? Should I make one for Gemma too? I want to be a fluffy kitten because fluffy kittens don't get frazzled minds.

pictures of cats

robert smith counts as a cat right? and there is a kitten!

☁

When I was young - literally not long before I turned 12 years old - my whole life pretty much collapsed all around me. I've become so used to everyone turning against me and mocking and hurting me because I was different that I struggle with believing people have feelings for me that aren't negative feelings.
I've had my graphic design efforts praised by heavily made-up girls on Enterprise Week only for them to sneer at me and shout at me just for walking past them or trying to talk to them. I've been harassed by boys at school in ways that made me afraid and frightened of living in my own body because I felt that it did not belong to me. I've tried to find acceptance from people who listened to the same music as me at the time only for them to pretty much ignore me. There was a boy in my year 7 ICT class, and the very first thing he ever said to me was "Spiderman's for boys!". He'd later spend the rest of his time at school taunting me, possibly to compensate for his height. The only advantage I had over cis boys was that I hit puberty two years before they did. I don't know whether I still pride myself on that or not, because on one hand I feel more emotionally and intellectually mature than them, but on the other hand I hate the body it has given me. This body has invited comments like "Sexy [redacted!]" "I want to tie you down and make you show me your blue waffle!" even though I wore my school jumper as baggy as I possibly could, this body has made me denigrate and slut-shame teenage girls just because I felt alienated from them, this body has turned on me in ways that would make me weep if I still cried as easily as I did when I first started at my school - I was nervous and frightened so I cried almost daily - this body is the worst body that anyone could ever live in it's a scarred body it's a fat body it's a wobbly body it's not a cis male body it's not my body.
I never did think I was special for going out and partying and shopping and socialising with friends or all those things. If anything I felt a little left out. Everyone in my year was having the time of their lives to the best of their abilities in this shitty socio-political landscape, whereas I was stuck in the curriculum support unit, stuck at home, stuck in my body, stuck in Birmingham, England, Europe, Planet Earth. I covered it up with internalised misogyny and lots of other bad ways of thinking. I tried to be a strong kid but I was too young to try to be strong.
I wish I'd rebelled against my body earlier by cutting off my hair, learning how to do makeup properly earlier, thrown out the baggy band tees and hoodies, become a completely different person to who I was back then. I've grown up too fast but at the same time I've taken too long to grow into myself.

Everything's all very confusing and everything and I haven't said enough. Everyone was horrible and it made me turn horrible. I need to hug Hello Kitty.
Or a cigarette.

cities in dust

Hello, I'm feeling very good about things recently! Between the post before my last one and today a lot has been happening. My most recent musical purchases have been Yeezus by Kanye West (which is really really good! I'd even go on to say that it's one of the most important albums to come out this year), Jagged by Gary Numan, The Crossing by Big Country and the very first Echo and the Bunnymen single, The Pictures On My Wall. The last two were vinyl purchases from a charity shop in Northfield while I was looking for clothes to put together into a suit.

Last week was my very last day of being a college student. It still all hasn't really caught up with me yet, but in the days leading up to last Friday I didn't see anyone who wasn't crying. I also told one of my closest friends that I like-like her (well, I typed it up and got a LSA to give it to her for me because I was so nervy) and when I was walking home she texted me to say she felt the same way! This is a very new development which feels alien but also very warm and fluffy. It's only been a week since I finished college but I haven't really done anything social with people in my age group yet. But I did go to Zombie Club last week and met one person who was closer to my age, does that count? I don't know. I might be going to see The World's End with my best friend since primary school sometime next week if she's still up for it.
At the cinemas I have been to see Despicable Me 2, which was a lot of fun. I am considering seeing Behind the Candelabra, This Is The End, Monsters University and Pacific Rim, as well as The World's End which I just mentioned earlier. I find the Odeon in town much easier to get to than the Empire in Rubery, but tickets are cheaper at the Empire. Why does everything have to be so weird and mixey-uppey? I'm not even sure that mixey-uppey is the right word. I bought Manic Street Preachers tickets the other day! I'm really happy that I'm finally going to see one of my favourite bands after waiting for two years to see them live. I did meet the members at a HMV signing once, but I only had 10 seconds to really do anything. The concert is at the Ritz in Manchester on the 27th of September, and I'm sharing a hotel with my mum and going to the concert on my own. I just hope they don't do a Roger Waters and suddenly announce a Birmingham date, seeing as the Manchester date is a lot more convenient for me! I wonder if Nicky Wire still has the bracelet I gave him.


Meow, meow. I like to feel warm and happy and safe, but not in the summer because the summer is too hot and nasty and sweaty. I have a money plant to look after, I water it every Monday and stroke its leaves and just a few hours ago I played Antony and the Johnsons to it. I haven't got a name for it yet, though. Every time I remember just how good Antony and the Johnsons are I'm in a good mood for ever.

On the 30th of June I went to the Electric Cinema for another Music for Silents thing by Steven Severin! Last time I went which was on the 5th of May he played the version of The Cabinet of Dr Caligari + his musical score that was usually played at clubs and things, so this time we saw the whole film. I enjoyed it a lot. Later I had my fag break next to Steven Severin and talked to him about if he's got anything coming up next in the way of Music for Silents projects and how much of a fucking rotter Charles Saatchi is.
Speaking of fucking rotters, the boy from my school who beat up my friends is still a massive tool. He constantly begs for likes on Facebook (like my profile pic + ill like urs back!!! pls look at my zitty face) and someone posted on his wall noticing that he begs for likes, so he said "maybe I should fix up", but then the next day he's still doing the usual begging for likes shit, only this time he calls it 'making a deal'!!! What the fuck is that noise?? I think he's blocked me for noticing how much of a massive tool he is, not to mention a gross hypocrite who posts statuses about how if he saw a man hitting a girl he'd rip his tiny 'bollacks' off even though I know he's beaten up two of my friends. He's got 'Facebook' as his employment status on Facebook???? No, you're not a vlogger, you're just a tool with a webcam and a shitty yellow fringe and even shittier opinions.

At least I have nice things to look forward to like the David Bowie exhibition and the Manic Street Preachers and Les Misérables and Gary Numan and Placebo and all the other things! This makes me very happy for the future. I feel cute.

why i am tired of the iron maiden fan club online forum (TW: racist slurs, self harm, etc)

Last night I made the stupid mistake of getting myself into another socio-political argument.
Before I went to sleep I went on the Iron Maiden Fan Club online forum and in the General Politics thread, hoping to see people talking about Wendy Davis or DOMA. Instead I saw people being nasty about Rachel Jeantel, a friend of Trayvon Martin and one of the defendants at the George Zimmerman trial, so for some dumb reason I stepped in. Here I've included screenshots of the whole thing that happened before I decided I was fed up.










(I accidentally said 'is' instead of 'isn't' whoops! Massive faux pas on my part!)












I'm feeling upset and weary just recounting this. If there's anything I've done wrong please let me know.
Anyway, by the end of it I put down my phone and burst into tears, and I relapsed badly after a month of not cutting. Hopefully my mum hadn't gone to sleep yet, and she told me that maybe I shouldn't go on that website anymore. I don't think I want to anyway. I was thinking of making it my last year there anyway, because I can't afford to pay £20 a year to resubscribe.
Since then those people have been saying nasty things like I'm a 'confused little girl' and I need help because I have problems in my head, but they didn't seem to be showing actual concern or anything, they were just using it to insult and patronise me. Luckily someone was nice about me, even if it was the only nice thing that has ever been said about me during the course of the discussion.

I sent this person a private message to thank them and explain that I wasn't going to be using that website anymore.

I'm feeling very fragile and unsteady right now. I always knew that there was a reason I shouldn't be using that sort of website, and I think I've just found it. I'm sick of racist white cishet men trying to justify their use of offensive slurs, and I'm sick of people trying to patronise me for my beliefs and the things I have to deal with every day. I'm just glad I didn't kill myself that night, because I still have a lot of things to look forward to. My head is all full of things that need saying. I don't know what they all are. I hate those kind of Iron Maiden fans. They don't care about people who are marginalised and oppressed. They only care about their precious 2nd Amendment. It makes me want to weep.

I decided not to go to Bernard yesterday, so I stayed in and watched Hannibal with my mum instead.