don't poison everything

Fucking hell. I'm seeing Gary Numan in literally three days. I'm so anxious and excited and having to wait for the email from Townsend Records isn't helping matters. SCRATCH THAT I'VE JUST GOTTEN THE LETTER!!!!

All customers were sent the following on Nov 20th -

VIP GOLD TICKET HOLDERS -
We're looking forward to seeing you at the Gary Numan show.
Please arrive outside of the venue at 4.30pm, where you can collect your Gold VIP laminate on the door. You will also receive your CD copy of an exclusive new recording - ''Dead Sun Rising (piano version)''.
Gary Layton (Big G) from the Numan crew will come and collect you.
You can then watch the sound check and Gary will meet you afterwards. Photos are fine and he's happy to sign things of course but PLEASE don't bring too many items.

November 20th? I must have accidentally deleted it!

Wow. Okay. I'd better tell John. And book my train tickets!
My day has gotten so much better.

Now that I actually have a definite idea of when I have to be at the venue I feel so much calmer about the whole thing. But I'm still really not sure how I'll react when I meet Gary. I really hope I don't freak out too much or else he'll think I'm a total loser. I'll also be wearing my €3 platform boots which will probably make me taller than him by about an inch - I'm 5'3" and he's 5'8". I would wear my Doc Martens but I don't really get the opportunity to wear my platforms very often, and usually when I buy nice stuff I end up not wearing it.
I still don't know whether I should draw something to give to Gary, because I'm really self-conscious about my art and beides, somebody's done that already.

I'm really digging Outer Limits by SLEEP ∞ OVER at the moment. I listen to it almost every day, mostly when I wake up. For some reason I'm really disappointed with the weather at the moment - it's December and the sun is still shining obnoxiously. This time last year I was listening to La Rose by the aforementioned band a lot, when everything was raining and I started talking to Alyce. I can't really listen to it as often as I'd like now, mostly because of the weather and because it reminds me of her. I think I was also listening to a lot of White Ring and Death in June. I'd have to look at my last.fm to get a better idea.
I was also listening to Kate Bush a lot! Particularly Never For Ever and Hounds of Love. Those will always be my most favourite albums by Kate and any other artist. I just wish it would snow soon or some clouds would come so I could listen to 50 Words For Snow without something feeling wrong. I have this strange thing about music and weather. Being a goth is hard.

So is sorting out the train tickets, oh goodness.
I'll do that when I get home, unless we're going to my aunt's.

sanity assassin

It's really not long now until I see Gary Numan. It's literally only next week! I'm so excited and anxious all at the same time. I still feel really unprepared but I'm not sure why. I've written down a bunch of stuff I want to get done by then. I still need to wait for my email from Townsend Records telling me when I need to be at the Wulfrun Hall, so I know when to book my train tickets. Hopefully it should be sometime this week or the next.

All customers will be contacted by email with details as soon as they are announced.

 I'm still really anxious though, thinking about it.

Crystal Castles last week... I just don't know how I feel. I got separated from some friends I met at the gig during Plague and spent the rest of it in the smoking area. I had the day off college the next day because I was so tired.
I haven't cut in like two weeks - maybe more, maybe less - which I suppose is good. I feel like I should be treating myself right now but I don't want to spend all my money in one go. I might go to an ATM later and take out some cash to pay for my nose piercing tomorrow. I really want to buy some new earrings. I lost one of my ear cuffs a couple of weeks ago and I need sterling silver studs to put in when I get home from college each day. My hair needs doing. I've let the shaved bits grow out too long, my roots need doing, my hair needs thinning out so it's easier to tease and I want to dye it purple. I have so much I need to do before next Thursday and not enough money.
I just stress out about everything all the time.

I still think meeting Steven Severin was one of my greatest achievments of the year.

This was on the 26th of February 2012. 9 months later I feel like I should have brought one of my Siouxsie and the Banshees records to get signed. This was also the height of my gothness.

Cultivating images and identities for myself over the past three or four years has been loads of fun. I'm really happy with who I am at the moment, if you leave out the autism and the depression and the general mental and psychological shittiness. Ever since I realised that I'm anything but female I've been a lot more comfortable expressing myself, and I hope that others can do the same regardless of gender identity. I've settled on a persona I'm finally comfortable with - I'm a fabulous gothy man! But honestly, next Thursday is all I'd rather talk about.

Next Thursday you're invited to watch Rising Tide's live coverage of a gala tribute in salute to Ronald Reagan. Host Haley Barbour joins special guest Lady Margaret Thatcher in celebrating the former President's 83rd birthday. Tickets are $1000 a plate, but you can see the event free on GOP TV!

How do I keep associating completely different things in my mind? I don't know. I just want to be all sorted for the 6th of December!!!!!

child i will hurt you

I haven't posted here in weeks. 2 weeks ago was a really good week and I just want it all back.
I'm seeing Crystal Castles this Thursday. Pretty much all I've been listening to is CCIII. Last week was fun as well. I met my friend Warlock from Australia in town last Wednesday and on Saturday I saw Adam Ant. He's amazing live. For some idiot reason I brought my Young Parisians single so I could get it signed and I waited outside during the encore. He didn't turn up, but I don't mind. I generally had fun.

I just can't be bothered to write today, so I'm doing a stream of consciousness thing.
The extended cut of the Petals video which I spoke about in my last entry is out today. It's supposed to be a bit more graphic than the other one. For some reason I just can't seem to bring myself to be able to sit down and watch it past the first 30 seconds, probably because I'm so protective of Gary... and I haven't even met him yet, which is a bit pathetic of me. I'd better shut up.
I have no money. I need to buy a packer. I need to buy a packer. I need to buy a packer. I'm so fucking lonely. I miss Alyce. I miss her. I miss her. I wish she was still here. I wish she was still here. I need to buy a fucking packer.
One of the learning support assistants at my college said I should draw something fab and give it to Gary when I meet him in two weeks. I'd like to, but I don't know if I can. I'm a nervous wreck as it is but when it comes to my art I'm just so unconfident about it and it kills me because I can't really make good art. Good art is bravery and confidence, it flows nicely, it has good anatomy, it is free. My art is completely the opposite. My art is not good art. Everything I do is bad.

Why have I started talking about Gary Numan on a first-name basis? What the fuck? Who am I? I just can't do this anymore.
I'm just rambling on and on, excuse me. I don't want this entry to be too short so I'm just talking crap.

I want to meet a nice girl at the Crystal Castles concert on Thursday who I can lie in the park with on winter nights listening to Child I Will Hurt You.
The weather is nice.

petals in the mirror

I've actually had a decent week for a change. Shock horror!
This week I actually bothered to get work done in college. I've started working on unit 4 again, which is communication through art and design - I've finished a moodboard on Tracey Emin which I started before the holidays, I've started and completed a comparison sheet on Jenny Holzer and Barbara Kruger and I started a design sheet for a Divine t-shirt I made, before I decided it was too much effort and wrote 'i Hate iT wwen Peeople gET old....' on a ceramic mug instead. My only incentive was money, really, and all the blood sweat and tears were worth it, for my mum gave me twenty quid which I have just spent.
Today I went into town with John, and I've just got back. I actually had a lot of fun, which is nice. First I bought a lipstick from Superdrug to replace one I've lost, then we went to Pigeon Park and talked about the band. I've been thinking I should give up my vocal duties and stick to playing bass and we should get a female singer in, which saves me putting Warhol Silkscreen on hold until I start testosterone. I feel like Nicky Wire! John is thinking of doing a trip round America soon - he's getting a grand or ten off his mum when he turns 18 next year. I wouldn't mind tagging along, because I've always wanted to go to New York. And I think I actually know what I'm going to do in terms of employment, now that I'm actually getting something out of my work skills sessions. I might be going to Kerrang Radio to get a feel of the environment and possibly getting work experience at South Birmingham Radio. Two other lines of employment I've been considering are working at the youth club in Weoley Castle where I did my year 11 work experience, and Starbucks, since I hear they have really good LGBT policies.

This week I watched the new video for Petals by The Officers, which is a charity single for the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) and features Gary Numan on vocals. And now I'm pretty much obsessed with it. I've included it in this post if you want to watch it.



I personally think that this is one of my contenders for the music video of the year, even though I haven't really seen many music videos from this year. But still, this video is just so brilliant - it was filmed in one take, the cinematography is beautiful and Gary looks amazing. I feel like I should tell him that when I meet him in December, though that would probably be a bit weird. This is just the censored version, so who knows what the full version will be like... I'm a bit anxious to see it now.

I've also been listening to This Mortal Coil, Linea Aspera, Nasty Facts, Crystal Castles, Grimes and SLEEP ∞ OVER. The new Crystal Castles album comes out on Monday - the release date was pushed forward by a week. It's been leaked already, though, but I don't want to listen to it because I'd rather the wait was worth it. It's almost like seeing your Christmas presents when you're not supposed to, in a way. I've been anticipating this album for months, and I'm really excited to listen to it. I'm seeing Crystal Castles in concert at the HMV Institute on the 22nd, so hopefully I might try and meet them and get my copy signed if I do. It probably won't be very easy, though, but then again I did meet the singer from Bo Ningen in the smoking area of the aforementioned venue, so you never know.

the holy bible

I'm in deep shit for shouting at some visitors that my college is a shithole on Wednesday. I've had to write a letter to the senior management, for christ's sake... I don't actually feel any remorse, and any remorse that I do feel is simply the result of others projecting their shame and embarrassment onto me.
I had yesterday off. I spent most of it sitting around, moping, cutting and generally beating myself up. I was supposed to go to parents evening that night, but because I had the day off because I came home with a sore throat, my mum said I didn't have to go. So I basically bothered to get dressed for nothing... I could've been seeing Bat For Lashes that night. This is going to be a really short entry because I've got nothing else to say and I hate everything, bye.

Lana Del Rey is doing a cocnert in Birmingham next year. The tickets go onsale on Monday. I'd buy them on the day but I've got no money.

i'm not working

There was a red sky this morning. I can't believe I actually believe in that red sky at night, shepherd's delight shit. It's only really a recent thing, though, now that I'm old enough to actually make sense of it.
Yesterday was the first day back after the half term. Sunday wasn't very good - in fact it was quite horrid. I'd rather not go into it, but all I will say is I ended up crying and cutting. Yesterday generally went ok, but the only memorable event was when one of my friends full-on kissed me by the smoking area - it wasn't a completely serious thing, though, it was just a bit of joking around. But it was nice. And besides, my best friend had given me blowbacks just a minute before so both my friends ended up with black lipstick round their mouths. Today was horrid, though.
This morning I had to wait 20 minutes for my bus because Network West Midlands is shit, was always shit and always will be shit. As soon as a bus came, I got stuck in traffic and was about ten minutes late for my first lesson, and because I was so miserable I had to go into the shed and sleep.
Afterwards I spoke to the educational psychologist, sometimes about good things and sometimes about bad things. When I came out, I saw the friend from yesterday talking to one of the art tutors by the smoking area. It turns out that her boyfriend of a year and a half had dumped her, so naturally I spent the majority of today comforting her. A friend in need is a friend in deed, I suppose. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like it's my fault they split up, even though I saw it coming from a mile off. I feel like someone must have seen us kissing yesterday and... I don't know. I don't know if I can even be bothered to go in tomorrow, but there's a Halloween buffet thing tomorrow and I already gave in my permission slip.
I care so little about myself that I bought a pizza from Pizza Pepper in Selly Oak while I was waiting for my bus home.

I don't really feel like I fit in at college. It's all just a happy little community full of special needs teens and young adults who get on together and do activities and attempt to progress in life like the world isn't going to shit, and I'm just on my own at the smoking area with my black clothes and Sterlings being a nihilistic arsehole. Sometimes I feel like Richey Edwards, but not in a good way. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown sooner or later, and it's not going to be pretty. I actually get worried when people tell me I remind them of Richey, even though nobody's said that in months. And on top of that, there's also the issue of me being transgender and having to remind everyone that I'm a man. It really shouldn't be that difficult.
The thing that pains me most about going out in public - besides college - is that nobody will ever really see me as a man, no matter how tightly I bind, no matter how many times I go without makeup - and on top of all that, this is without testosterone or surgery. I still need to buy a packer, but I'm essentially broke right now, and I end up spending all my money on crap before I actually remember that I need to do it. And the thing that pains me the most about being pre-everything is that I'll never really have a proper relationship. I don't talk to strangers, people seem to conveniently forget that I'm a man, and if anyone does want to date me, it'll probably be those FTM chaser creeps who will probably dump me as soon as testosterone makes me grow stubble and my voice drop. Most of the Manic Street Preachers song Born A Girl seems apt - if you change a few words, maybe. I'm just so sick of existing.
At least I sort of know what I'm going to do for my Real Life Test. I might apply for a job at the youth centre where I did my work experience in year 11. Don't know if it'll all work, though. I'm not working.

the haunted man

I seem to have fallen out of the habit of posting on here regularly.
This week is half term week. So far I've spent it either lying in bed and not leaving the house or doing the complete opposite. I can't remember what I did on Monday, but on Tuesday I finally had my gender counselling appointment with Professor Oyebode. He was a very nice man who I felt truly comfortable and honest around compared to my psychiatrist who I saw between November 2011 and May 2012, and my next appointment with him has been booked for the 28th of January 2013. We reached an agreement that I would live for 12 more months as a man until I'm referred to Charing Cross, since most of the transgender people Professor Oyebode has seen have known from a very early age that they were transgender. For a moment I was worried that he thought I was making it all up, and sometimes I worry that I am, even though I'm completely honest with myself about a lot of important things. If it feels real, then it must be true, surely? I don't want to go back to living as a girl.
The same day I went to see Sparks at the HMV Institute with my mum and lots of fun was had. But near the end of the set some drunk students spilled some beer and it got in my mum's boots, and she looked really sad for the next few songs and that made me a bit sad too. But generally I had a good time at my favourite venue.
Yesterday my sister decided she was going to Sainsbury's just as I went out for a walk, so I waited by the corner shop for her to pick me up. We bought chicken satays, a chicken tikka kebab, some chocolate and strawberry milk and a notebook. Then I watched Heathers on YouTube until about ten past twelve, and enjoyed it a lot. Tomorrow I'm seeing my guitarist and the day after that I'm seeing my best friend since primary school.

I'm not sure where my life is going. Since the appointment with Professor Oyebode I've been worrying about what I'm going to do after I leave college. My fellow students have been generally accepting of me being transgender, and I'm not sure how people would react when I try to survive in the real world, especially considering I don't really 'pass'. I hate the word 'pass', it's like pretending to be something you're not. There's also the matter of finding employment. Because I've got autism it's generally going to be a lot harder for me to find work, and I don't feel that there's many lines of work that really appeal to me. My sister has a job and is trying to go back to college to finish a few degrees, and every time I think about it I just feel so awful knowing that she's gotten further in life than me. It's not fair. Why did I have to waste my life being an arsehole between the ages of 11 and 16?

Recently I've bought Born to Die by Lana Del Rey, The Haunted Man by Bat For Lashes, and Gold Against The Soul, Know Your Enemy and This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours by the Manic Street Preachers. Born to Die is extremely enjoyable, The Haunted Man is a masterpiece and I still need to listen to the Manics albums. The next Crystal Castles is out soon and I think I'd better get on with pre-ordering it.

My Illamasqua Kontrol lipstick has broken twice now. Last time I went to buy another one at Selfridges it wasn't in stock, so I'm going to wait until Sunday, when some shoes I'm selling on eBay have ended.

i've got a war in my mind

Since I made my last blog post a lot has happened in my life. College has been somewhat difficult and I've been feeling particularly bad about things, and I'm not sure how to work on that. On Thursday last week I broke down in the middle of a lesson and had to go home early, and I'm really not proud of that. The new Bat For Lashes album has come out today, and I might go to HMV after college to see if they're stocking it yet. I have a lot of fond memories of Bat For Lashes, mostly from the summer of 2010 after a post-GCSE barbeque in Weoley Castle, where I drank a lot, went home with a headache, fell asleep and listened to Two Suns for the rest of the week to recuperate.
During a session with my college counsellor last week I texted my friend to see if he was okay - my mum had a theory that he was worried about having to pay for one of the Gary Numan tickets I bought for the both of us, and he replied the same day, which was a huge relief considering I was going to wait until Friday for a reply. It turns out that he'd stopped taking his medication and was feeling sad about stuff, and he's still getting used to it now. I haven't spoken to him much since, mostly because I don't want to bother him at the moment and I don't have much to talk about anyway.

Most of the time all I want to do is sleep. I think I might take one of these records with me when I see Gary Numan in December to see if I can get them signed:

but I'm not sure which one I should bring at the moment or if I should at all. I've been fussing and getting excited for this particular concert for a while now, even though it's less than two months away, but at the moment this is the only thing I have coming up that I'm really looking forward to, even though I do have other things to look forward to. I suppose it's mostly because I've bought one of those golden VIP packages. I still don't know how to tell my mum about that, and I'm not sure whether I'm going to have to take the whole day off college or just leave early considering it's on a Thursday and I need to get ready and I bring a lot of bags into college which I need to sort out.
There's also the matter of how I'm going to conduct myself when I meet Gary. I'm really not good at talking to people, despite how it may seem to others, and if I'm put in front of someone who I really look up to a lot then that will just exacerbate the situation. I don't know what I'd talk to him about - part of me wants to ask him about his Berserker makeup, and part of me wants to just thank him personally for his music and ask him for some advice about the band (the future of Warhol Silkscreen is still uncertain). As a budding musician living with autism, I feel that his music has really helped me come to terms with who I am as an individual.

Cats.

I've been listening to a lot of SLEEP ∞ OVER and Lana Del Rey. The other day my mum and I discussed getting me a packer, and I still don't know how I'm going to go through life if I'm not easily read as male. I'm still trying to get by without testosterone, and it's very hard.

WARHOL SILKSCREEN IS DEAD

I've got nothing to live for anymore. I've got no future, no goals, no hope, no love and no motivation to do anything with my life. I'd better just give up now and get a shitty 9 to 5 job because I'm no good at anything else.

blank

The past two days since I made my last post have been spent quite happily in town, spending what I have left of the money in my bank account on things to fulfil me for the next two months and generally make me feel happier about missing two days of college. I have finally bought a detachable black faux fur collar from H&M and some stiletto nails from Claire's, and I have also bought some rings to fill up my fingers because I don't feel complete as a person unless I have a lot of jewellery on. Now I am going to wait until my next DLA comes in (which is in ten days) so I can buy tickets to see Crystal Castles and possibly get a few more piercings. The weather yesterday was more than satisfactory - cloudy and cold - but today the sun was out, which hindered my enjoyment of my day a little bit.

I have also been following Paris Fashion Week a little bit. So far I am impressed with Jean Paul Gaultier, Saint Laurent and Alexander McQueen, and I'm not too sure about Chanel and Stella McCartney. While most of the clothes at Chanel are quite nice the accessories are an eyesore, particularly the hula hoop bags and the transparent hats. What I liked about Saint Laurent was the use of sheer black fabrics and the structured silhouettes, the former of which may or may not have been inspired by Stevie Nicks. And as usual, Valentino never fails to impress, utilising lace and silks and Peter Pan collars.

Recently I invested in a new Barry M nail polish; Limited Web Effects (239), even though I usually never paint my nails. The polish comes in a bright orange colour and claims to dry to a spiderweb effect when applied on top of another nail polish, much like the 'crackle' effect polishes that are particularly popular nowadays. Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find that the polish only dried to a 'croc' effect and not a spiderweb effect as I hoped, which did upset me a little bit since I thought that this product would get me into the mood for Halloween.
I might consider going to a Halloween party next month, which is being held by a boy at college who I talk to regularly. I've decided I'm going to dress up as Cruella de Vil, the villainess from 101 Dalmatians, and I think I'm probably going to have to buy a lot of things to put this particular costume together. I already have a cigarette holder, which is good.

swimming in the same deep water as you is hard

Have the past few days been any good? Absolutely not.
Everything leading up to yesterday has mostly been a dull blur, but Wednesday afternoon was particularly bad. After college I went up to Northfield to take back a 3-pack of boxers that cost £10 after I realised I probably shouldn't have spent that much on boxers, then waited to meet my guitarist. He'd texted me at about quarter past four telling me he'd just left the house, and earlier he'd said it takes him 15 minutes to get to Northfield, so at about quarter to five I noticed something wasn't right. His phone must have been off because when I phoned him it went straight to voicemail, and I was there for well over an hour and a half before I got fed up, bought a Subway and went home.
I'm not supposed to have Subways because I have a gluten intolerance (it seriously fucks with my mood) but I just didn't give a shit.
When I got there I opened a parcel (Dance by Gary Numan on vinyl), went straight up to bed and stayed there all day, blaming myself for what had happened. I still believe that it's all my fault my guitarist didn't show up, despite him usually being very reliable and us having been friends for months, but I have very low self-esteem anyway and have genuine difficulty imagining someone actually liking me as a person. I've struggled with this for nearly half my life and I don't see it going away very soon. It's only recently started to manifest itself as a serious psychological illness, however.

Today I had the day off because I feel so shit. I spent it cutting, lying in bed, and crying. My left arm is completely fucked now, my only motive being boredom and missing the feel, and I have nobody to blame but myself. What if I fall into the routine again where I cut myself daily and have to wear armwarmers all the time? What if I'm trapped in the routine by December and I go see Gary Numan and I go to the VIP thing and I meet him and my cuts show and why do I care so much about what musicians in their 50's think about me?
And I just want to have transitioned now. Why couldn't I have wanted gender counselling earlier? I can't stand the thought of my idols not seeing me as male.

I have just watched Fight Club to pass the time until I get to go to bed and tomorrow starts so I can miss college again and go up to town to look at pretty jewellery in Topshop and Topman. Fight Club is a very good film. I liked it a lot.

I crave escapism in its most extreme form. I want to pack a suitcase, leave home, move into a squat, throw away all of my responsibilities, never make contact with a human being ever again and be at peace with myself. I just want to not be stuck in this useless body and this useless life anymore, but I've known for a long time that there's nothing I can do.
And that realisation makes me want to cry.

the man who dies every day

I've been meaning to make a new post on here for a couple of days, but due to laziness and sickness I've never really gotten round to it. So here is a new post.

On Sunday I went with my mum, sister, cousin and family friends to see George Michael at the LG Arena. While I myself am not particularly a fan of his music, a large part of my family is, however, and if I didn't go I would probably have regretted it. His sister Yioda is also a family friend, and when she met us at the venue she gave us VIP passes which allowed us to go backstage and hang out in the 'family room'. The concert itself was quite good, though George Michael mostly played other people's songs, which was a bit disappointing. And I was quite tired, hungry, thirsty and in need of a smoke all at once throughout the course of the evening, which didn't particularly help matters.
The next morning - Monday - I woke up with a bad cold. Despite this, I went to college anyway, even though I has the next day off. All the fun of hanging out with my friends seemed to have vaporised somehow, and whenever I smoked it felt like my throat was going to give up. I like smoking though, regardless of the health risks. It makes me feel like a real human being. To make matters worse, creepy boy somehow decided that it would be a perfectly good idea to come up to me in the library while I was in the middle of a lesson and ask me if I had a lighter. Naturally, I was annoyed, as one tends to get when unwillingly approached in the middle of a lesson by someone who simply won't leave you alone anyway.

On Tuesday I stayed home because of my bad cold, watched Howl's Moving Castle with my sister and drank hot chocolate.

Today was quite average. I am waiting rather impatiently for the summer to end so I can wear whatever I want without worrying about sweating in it. I hate the sun. I like big clouds that cover the sun. Just forty minutes ago I ran into an old school friend on my walk home from college. She appears to be doing quite well; she works as a hairdresser and was on her way to babysit for someone when I saw her. I told her about my being trans and she took it well, and of course she asked me if I was going to have 'the surgery', and I replied that yes, I'm definitely going to have top surgery but I haven't thought about bottom surgery that much.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself in that department. I don't particularly like the particular bits I have at the moment, but I don't hate them as such either. I just don't know. Masturbation is becoming a chore, something I feel like I have to do but sort of dread. I think that bottom surgery would definitely be an option for me, but I'm worried about side effects. I would just like to be able to piss standing up, I'd just like to be able to feel something during sex with someone. I don't know. I am lying in my bed typing this on my iPhone and feeling very inadequate.

I had my first counselling session of the new term today. I spoke a lot about my emotions and fears concerning The Cure and how so many of my friends have met at least one member, whereas I still haven't got that chance. I related back to something my mum said about my friends being in 'privileged positions' even though some of them who met Robert at the US Reflections gigs only waited outside the venue. All I want is to meet The Cure (mostly Robert and Simon), hug them, and tell them how wonderful they are, and I refuse to die until this has happened. I would like Robert to sign my left forearm - the inside of it - and then get it tattooed so I have something to remind me not to cut, at least not in that specific place. But Robert has said that the SummerCure tour will be the last world tour, or something to that effect, which scares and upsets me, because even though I know that he's been saying that for years, you never know when the most important thing to you in years will soon disappear, never to be touched again.

I want to stay home from college forever and just walk around in the dark.

I'm getting fed up of my hair now. I might get a hairdresser's appointment on the weekend so that I may have a baby deathhawk.

half alive in a 9 to 5

College was better today. I had a lot of fun with some of my friends between classes and drew some things that I'm actually pleased with, which is a nice surprise because usually I hate everything I make.






I'm not too sure about the second-to-last one, though. Maybe it wasn't such a god idea to add tone. The last one is a rather unflattering self-portrait. I'm not sure whether I like that one either, because it's a bit weird. I really like the first two, though. Usually I hate drawing faces in profile, but today I think I did a good job.
I really like drawing trad goths with big fluffy hair and lots of eyeliner, in case you couldn't tell.

Just a few hours ago I was looking for something to watch on television, since my mum has left the house tonight to go out for a meal. I decided to watch Vintage TV for a bit, and suddenly a Gary Numan video came on. It was a performance of 'Are "Friends" Electric?' from the Micromusic concert film, and as soon as I put two and two together I sort of fell apart and started sobbing incoherently about Gary being on my TV and how great this was. God, I love Gary Numan. Isn't he great? I can't wait to see him again in December.
I have also recorded vocals on GarageBand for the first Warhol Silkscreen recording, which is a cover of Queen Bitch by David Bowie. Seeing as it's just me and John at the moment, it's just guitar and vocals. And oh god, my voice sounds horrible. I really need to be on testosterone so I don't sound so much like a dying llama. I was not born to sing.

I'm not sure what I was born to do, really.
My mum's just come back.

pull down the sheets take off your clothes get out of bed i'm so tired

The weather has been satisfyingly cloudy and cold in the afternoons these past few days. It makes a change from the blinding sunshine and clear blue skies in the mornings, which I am beginning to detest more than usual. Creepy boy has finally left me alone, though he still asks for cigarettes off me. I've decided to stop sucking up to him and have told him no several times, because I need cigarettes to calm me down after a long and often stressful session. The breaks are shorter since I came back. It doesn't allow me enough time to smoke.
Today I was feeling shit about myself as usual after having flipped out at my tutors about annotating examples of past work and left the room, and I spoke to my personal tutor about how I felt about myself (negative self-perception due to being bullied in secondary school, lack of desire and motivation to work or do anything in the future, internalised pressure to achieve perfection, etc.) and had a good cry, and for the rest of the day I didn't really do much work. Instead I listened to The Chameleons and moped around a lot.

Speaking of The Chameleons. The other day I found out that Chameleons Vox (Mark Burgess and John Lever plus two other dudes?) are playing a concert in Manchester on the 15th of December - two days after The Damned play the O2 Academy in Birmingham. I would really like to go, considering I missed them when they played the HMV Institute in April because I hadn't gotten into them yet, but I don't see there being a chance of me being allowed to travel up to Manchester for a concert. I mean, I saw Iron Maiden at Twickenham Rugby Stadium when I was 14 and The Cure at the Royal Albert Hall last year, so why wouldn't I be able to go somewhere I'm fairly familiar with to see a band? But to be honest, the venue the gig is on at (Sound Control) is in a part of Manchester which I don't think I'm familiar with. But I would still really like to see Chameleons Vox.

I feel so sick and tired all the time - sick in the sense that I am sick of the routine that I was looking forward to re-integrating into my schedule and I am sick in my head. I just wish I could be at peace with myself so I could create things at a reasonable pace and be pleased with them instead of lying around at college like dead weight.

a person isn't safe anywhere these days

My first proper week back at college has not gone off to a very good start. I wish I could say it has, because I've been looking forward to actually having some sort of stability in my life for weeks since the holidays started, but I feel disappointed and like I don't want to go back again, to be honest.

The morning was alright enough, but at around 12:30 when lunch started things started to get nasty for me, but not drastically nasty. There's a new boy at my college who's the same age as me, and I thought he was alright when I first started talking to him last Thursday, but he just won't leave me alone. Before I've just been polite and continued making conversation, even if there are a lot of uncomfortable pauses, but today I have just about had enough. He keeps trying to talk to me about cars, asking me if I have a boyfriend and if I want one, offering to walk me back to my classrooms when I clearly know my way, and as of today, following me wherever I go.
Today I was hanging around the smoking area with my dearest friend Jess whilst this particular boy was hovering around, and when I went inside to have my lunch in the Bradbury Centre, he followed me and sat down next to me, then did the same thing when I went to have my lunch again in the canteen. He sat at my table, facing me, and he kept looking at me for a long period of time in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. By then I'd lost my appetite, but I still managed to finish my sandwich so I could leave, but as soon as I did I noticed the boy in question getting up out of his seat too, presumably to follow me. I literally ran to my classroom carrying two heavy bags, a coat, a leather jacket and a scarf, and when I got to the elevator I had to stop and catch my breath. I don't think I've ever been so concerned for my own safety ever in my life, even though he probably means no harm, but I still feel like I'm being smothered and strangled by my own irrational fears. Thankfully I managed to talk to my tutor about it.
Afterwards, in work skills (where we learn about careers, social skills, etc.), I went on the internet to look up job placement and volunteer positions that I could consider in the future - but really, I don't see myself succeeding in any walk of life - and by now I was feeling quite drained, lacklustre and upset. I went to register on a volunteers website, and when the form asked me for my title (as in Mr/Mrs/Miss/Dr/etc) I completely froze up, then sort of broke down and left the room. It became clear to me that everything was affecting me negatively and that I needed some time out, but when I asked for it I was told it wouldn't be available to me for some time, after which I kicked a lot of things and shouted. I wish I hadn't done all that so I didn't have to type it. But eventually I did get some time out in a small hut with beanbags and a giant teddy bear in it outside the art room.
God, I wish I wasn't so pathetic. I could bury my head in my hands and stay like that forever if it meant I wouldn't have to show my face around my college or anywhere outside my room.

When I came back, I found out that there were people being mean to Beth, who is one of my best friends in the world (The Cure can bring the most unlikely people together), and they were saying that they didn't like her 'elitist attitude' or whatever, which is not true. There's been a bit of a rift in the Curefan community on Tumblr recently, and to put it honestly but not quite as eloquently as I'd like, it's made me feel really sad and like my whole world is falling apart. Beth is one of the loveliest people I know, and she really doesn't need this shit from the 'new Curefans' who have recently appeared. I can't help but think that they're slightly jealous that she met Simon Gallup and Jason Cooper, and
and
I'm sorry I just can't type anymore.

I hate myself ever such a lot. I'm sorry this post is longer than it should have been, but I just needed to get everything out.
I love you.
I hate me.

Today I listened to The Chameleons, Gary Numan and John Foxx and watched Top of the Pops videos on YouTube.

blah blah blah by robertsmithschesthair featuring diane von furstenberg

This is a Polyvore set I've just made showing the kind of outfit I'd like to wear when I go see Gary Numan in December. I already own the Bershka top, the eyeshadow, some of the earrings, a cigarette holder and a gel eyeliner, though it's not by E.L.F.. By then I hope to have had my nose pierced, my hair cut into a deathhawk, and ideally top surgery but that may not be the case by that time. I do own a pair of platform boots which I bought at a market in Montpellier for three euros, but they're by a little-known brand called Perfecta - and by little known I mean nothing satisfactory comes up on Google - so I just used a pair of Demonia platforms.

I'd really like to own a black faux fur coat, ideally one with a faux fur collar and sleeves, so to illustrate the kind of thing I'm thinking of I added the collar from a Diane von Furstenberg coat to an Emilio Pucci coat with fur sleeves. Seeing as the gig is in December I hope a coat like that will keep me warm, even though I'll probably have to take it off to put it in the cloakroom!

Through my dress sense I like to exude a kind of elegant masculinity wherever I go, though that doesn't always work because I don't pass very well - I blame the makeup! I'm very excited for this particular concert because I've bought one of those golden VIP packages for it, which allows me to watch the soundcheck and there's a meet and greet after that including a photo opportunity, so basically I think I'm going to meet Gary Numan! I'm not sure whether my guitarist will need to buy a VIP thing as well though, I really ought to nag him about it some more.

I just hope senpai will notice me~

up the down escalator

The year is 2012, and the date is the 9th of September. I am currently sitting at home wondering what the hell I should be doing with my life.
My name is Alex. I'm 18 years old and I'm an Art and Design student at a college in Harborne. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of two. My favourite bands are The Cure, Gary Numan, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Manic Street Preachers, Asylum Party and The Chameleons. I am female-to-male transgender, and on the 3rd of September I received my gender counselling appointment with Professor Femi Oyebode on the 23rd of October. I am also in the beginnings of a band called Warhol Silkscreen, and we still need a drummer and a bassist. I also need to get over my insecurities and write more songs to sing. Hopefully I will use this blog as a platform to document the occurrences of my life much better than I usually would on Tumblr, discuss art, music, literature and fashion, and generally express myself more coherently than I usually do.

Today I watched Mean Girls, ate lots of food, went out for a walk and listened to The Chameleons. On Thursday and Friday I went back to college, but lessons don't officially start until Monday. I still don't know how I'm going to get through the whole day, as I have been known to get very sleepy during the day. Cigarettes keep me awake. I only have a pack of Marlboro Reds to last me until I get my DLA on the 18th, and some Djarum Black cloves.

I'm going to see George Michael this month with some family members, as his sister Yioda is a family friend of ours and she gave us the tickets. Then I am going to see Sparks with my mum on the 23rd of October, Adam Ant on the 17th of November, Gary Numan with my guitarist on the 6th of December and The Damned on the 13th. I still need to buy tickets for The Damned.
I will when I have money. I am broke.